This is Professor Indira Babbellapati's discretion
From: Indira Babbellapati (India ;)
To: Amit Ray
Date Time: 7/8/2009 9: 43: 00 AM (GMT -6: 00)
Subject: Re: In moments-Amit Ray's new poem
hey, that's cool...i see a discernible change in amit's verse this evening. it's very relaxing to read this level-headed love poem of yours which indeed took me to far away realms gently rocking on a boat...keep it up, young man...happiness is intensely personal and none has any role to make it or mar except you! hope u won't mind my speaking out my mind...
From: Paul Hansford (Stroud United Kingdom; Male; 70)
To: Amit Ray
Date Time: 7/7/2009 3: 01: 00 AM (GMT -6: 00)
Subject: Re: Flowers of love-Amit Ray's new poem
I don't much like being asked to vote on poems, as I never do anyway. Most people don't vote unless they give 10 (or else 1 or 2, to be unpleasant to someone) , so it seems a pointless thing to do. But having been invited to comment, I can only express my opinion.
On the good side, it is clear that you enjoy language, and the sound of English words. Having said that, though, while the words(*) and most of the syntax(**) are recognisably English, I can't make any sense of lines like -
'lynching the stigma of passion,
synching the woes in her paradigms of eternity'
How do you lynch a stigma? If you synch (synchronise) woes, you have to relate this to something. Was this meant to be a front-rhyme (lynching/synching) ? If so, it doesn't work, as the words are pronounced differently (LINCH/SINK) .
The section that Lee picks out ('submissive so silly yet lethal the lilly that lolls / in her locks') is impressively alliterated and internally rhymed, but what does it mean?
'silently round the sirocco of / soirees' is perhaps a little overdone, and what have soirées to do with a wind?
(BUT 'her tread on my red carpet' is good internal rhyme, and at least this makes sense.)
'flowing like hyacinths' - do hyacinths flow? and if so, how?
(*) helexine sems to be a creeping plant (though I had never heard of it under that name, and I would guarantee that no other PH members had either) and doesn't fit the sense.
'lippy' is either a slang word for lipstick, or it is an adjective meaning 'rude' or 'cheeky'.
(**) 'ocean which in am a sailor' - do you mean 'ocean in which I am a sailor'?
'transpire a punishment' - 'transpire' is a verb that does not take a direct object.
'to catch unaware the lotus be her coup de foudre' - what function does the word BE have here?
Spelling is less important, but it does matter a bit. CHOSES should be CHOOSES, FRESSIA is FREESIA
I hate to be negative, and I have been called 'a bit racist' before for criticising the language of Indian sub-continent writers, though that is far from being my opinion. I am merely trying to help, and my comment to summarise all this would be that you have tried nobly, but over-reached yourself. It would perhaps be better if you wrote shorter pieces, using the linguistic tricks if you like, but being certain of what the words actually mean.
From: Francis Duggan (Australia ;)
To: Amit Ray
Date Time: 6/16/2009 8: 06: 00 PM (GMT -6: 00)
Subject: Re: One cup of coffee-Amit Ray's new poem page-2 number 21
This is an excellent poem up to your usual high standard, your passion and originality shines through here and it is up to your usual high standard, surely a another 10 poem to add to your many great poems, good on you Ray.
you are nearing your end
create a million new names
a million new ids
but the killer blow
is about to hit you
thy vicious cycle
will gulp you in
you oversmart bufoon
thy days are counted........