deanna townsend

deanna townsend Poems

I hear them talking telling what to do to stop the pain, reminding me

that I will never be as good as everyone else, will never be able to
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It slides like a hot knife thru butter, its bite quick and sharp,

releasing all the pent up pressure and allowing all that black
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The Best Poem Of deanna townsend

The Monster Inside Your Head

I hear them talking telling what to do to stop the pain, reminding me

that I will never be as good as everyone else, will never be able to

do enough to become acceptable to others. I remember things to well

things like being excused from gym because I had bruises from the

bottom of my feet up to the top of my shoulders. You don't leave

marks on the face then people know, that is unacceptable. remember

what it felt like to have the one person I trusted get paid for me to

have sex with a man 35 years older than me when I was 11. how her

fists felt and the taste of the front of the refrigerator when I

connected with it. after a while you stop fighting, stop caring,

start complying because it doesn't hurt as bad. I remember the day

that I realized that men liked girls like me young and compliant the

lessons learned in that time frame are hard to forget and hurt all

the more when you have to learn them again. at 12 I had figured out

that if I did what men wanted I could eat and have a warm place to

sleep. every time they touched me hurt me pinched slapped hit bit

I learned a little more until the only thing that I feel anymore in

pain and I enjoy parts of it. I have trained myself to accept the

feel of a fist, the feel of a mans hands around my throat, of him

filling me up in ways that I never imagined when I was a child. the

thing that is so ironic is that the only time things are right now

is when that beautiful steel slides into your skin and leaves

gorgeous new marks on my skin. I look around am so detached that I

sometimes wonder what the point of this life is, than I remember

again it is to make others happy. I have found satisfaction and peace

in pain, in refusing to give anyone the satisfaction of knowing that

they can hurt me. it is time again to feel the indescribable, to

slide that metal like a hot knife thru my skin and release all the

built up tension again then all will be right with the world again. I

wonder if I will ever be strong enough to fulfill the end goal of

stopping it before it builds up again. I am going back to the man I

love who gets a strange joy out of hurting me and I think I am

accepting of it now. maybe if im not strong enough than one day he

will finally do it take that final step and give me peace. I don't

want to listen to the voices anymore but am to tired to shut them off

anymore. so thanks to all who have gone out of there way to destroy

first a child and then a teen now and adult. I express my

appreciation for creating the monster that lives inside my head and

the one I have found it so easy to be.

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