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Femme Feeble 20, United States (1/11/2014 11:20:00 PM)

I am very uncertain about this; any thoughts?



How to live:
It all seems so simple and yet;
It is much more difficult in execution.
Fear is stronger than ambition.

Speak your mind and you are speaking the truth!
And if it pleases you to extend services of kindness;
To remain for the sake of patience;
To exercise your freedom to be generous;
To look upon each fellow human with love and compassion seething through your pores
Till they cannot bear themselves anymore,
Then by all means, live morally!
I cannot,
Even though I do.
But I cannot bear the thought that I might not,
Only because I like to believe I am wholesome.

Do not focus only on yourself, for everyone does.
And they are all as unhappy as everyone,
Who are just as depressed as you,
Waiting for something to open up in the line;
For life to treat them well.
I am waiting for life to stop treating me well.

When we are focused on ourselves we cannot see anything.
Like focusing on one leaf in the whole forest,
In the whole wilderness,
In the whole world.
If one individual gave as much attention to another as they did to themselves,
Love would be less prevalent than it is.

But what is life,
If you don't look upon one person with tenderness and desire,
Grand enough to stop a converging storm?

However,
I feel as though I cannot live in such an open fashion
Until I can look upon myself with satisfaction.
And yet I look around myself for approbation,
I feel as though I can never be satisfied
Through this twisted loop of fear and anxiety.

For,
True satisfaction is not gleamed through compliments and supportive actions.
When I reflect on the content of my character,
I am not pleased.
Standards so achievable, yet I am so selfish.
And I wonder if I manufacture all of my tears in the same factory as those nifty, fancy cars from Japan,
All lined up in a row and waiting to be dispensed at the appropriate time.
I am searching for an honest emotion, but I have yet to find one that I can be honest with.

To be secure in one's own self is to be set free; how I long to be unchained!
For only when I am no longer myself will I be comfortable with my life.
To be seen as someone I am not, yet exactly who I am,
That is what I strive for.

Yet being so open, will my insecurity show?

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  • Erica Maples (1/20/2014 1:51:00 PM) Post reply Stage

    i love that poem i think you are the best one that i've ever read

  • Doris Cornago (1/13/2014 5:37:00 PM) Post reply Stage

    Hi Femme Feeble:

    Re: To be secure in one's own self is to be set free; how I long to be unchained!

    To unchain yourself, you have to find exact spot where you are chained or by what and how. Sometimes the prison or the chain which imprisons is self-imposed. I suggest that you find a mirror and confront yourself, honestly admit to the reasons why the chain is there, or why you have not bothered to remove the chain knowing it is there and you hold the key to the lock. You define what you are a slave of, or whose chattel you are - other than these two, be your own woman and quit moping.

  • Daniel Brick (1/12/2014 9:57:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply Stage

    You said you were uncertain of the poem called FEMME FEEBLE and want feedback. I can do that but here's the context I'm coming from. I started writing poetry seriously when I was 36. I've been writing for 30 years. For the first 12 years at least I wrote atrocious poems, but every poet-to-be does because that's what it takes to acquire skills.
    There's a famous story of a painter who told his friend, a poet: I want to write poems because I have great ideas to express. His poet friend responded: That won't help you. You don't write poems with ideas, you write them with words. So two guidelines to start with: Be patient. Your real poetry is still in your future. You have to close the gap between then and now with practice. And that means practice with LANGUAGE, or as Shakespeare put it, Words, words, words. Second Guideline: Everything you write honestly has value. Why?Because you have value. What you say, write, gesture, shout, cry, whisper is Y-O-U. And if you are being honest to yourself and honest to others,
    your self-expression is true and good. Another way of putting this is that you have an A+ SOUL. However - and this is the part that people simply reject - a poem is a work of art; it is NOT random conversation, a hastily scribbled note, a diary entry, gushing your feelings - there's nothing wrong with these things but they're not artistic. A poem has to be created the way a clay pot is created, the way a bonsai tree is nurtured, the way a fine meal is prepared. All of these things take time, training, and practice. And so your A+ Soul may -very well produce D- poems - until you acquire the skills. NEVER FORGET THIS: That D- poem is still your truth expressed the best way you can at the moment. Don't throw it away in frustration. Keep it. Learn from it. Learn how you can make it better through revision. Every poet no matter how famous and honored keeps
    revising her/his latest poems and keeps getting better at the craft. All through your life, you will have the potential to become a better poet. Start using that POTENTIAL TODAY.Now with regard to your poem, here is a brief list of some of the LANGUAGE ARTS skills that poets use today and have for centuries: imagery, figurative language, understatement, persona, meter, stanza forms, lining, personification, etc. How many of these elements of poetry are in your poem?Any of them?Ask yourself: can a potter make a bowl without clay?Can you grow a bonsai tree without seeds and soil?Can make a dinner without meat, bread, vegetables?Can you see the problem in your poem?You are expressing at great length issues of vital importance to you, but there's no poetry in your expression. You are actually writing conversational prose. You're communicating, the message is clear - but those are two things prose does very well, that's why daily conversation is in prose, and poetry is reserved for special circumstances.Shakespeare's characters speak poetry in the plays, the actors spoke prose in their daily lives as did he.
    So what you want to tell yourself or others through FEMME FEEBLE has been accomplished. It's all there and several times you say (in effect) : I'm telling the truth. And I have no doubt you are, because I feel the sincerity behind your words. But if you want to express this content as a poem, you have to see what you've written as a very Rough Draft. First, it's way too long to be a poem. Once you start using some of the poetic tools I listed above, the increased energy of your language means you will not need so many words. And by reducing the number of words, you will make those in the poem more emphatic because there won't be so much competition. from unnecessary words. You're not writing narrative or dramatic poetry which must fulfill different needs. You're writing LYRIC poetry which is the same word we use to describe the words of a song. How many songs do you know that are long as FEMME FEEBLE. they're drastically shorter because the music adds so much emotion and power. The tools of poetry provide the same energy and power to a lyric poem. Never think a poem has to include all of your thoughts and feelings. Be selective, very selective, then make your limited number of thoughts and feelings as impactful as you can through poetic tools. Second, you use many general words, like fear, anxiety, approbation, standards, character. One of my poetry teachers, Deborah Keenan, told us, every time a poet uses a general, rather than a concrete, word, a bell should off in her head until she replaces it with an image. That is the single most important advice I can give you. It goes like this: Change your general words into concrete words, and transform your prose statements into imagery.
    One passage: I feel as though I can never be satisfied/Through this twisted loop of fear and anxiety.. Twisted loop is an image but it's unclear. Do you mean for the reader to see, say, a chain that is twisted into a circle?Where is this loop in relation to the speaker?In her house?Around her body?In her d reams?And how do we picture this loop if as you say it's made of fear and anxiety?We can't picture it because you've confused concrete words and general words. Now I know perfectly well what the plain prose sense of this passage is: I'm always fearful and anxious, that's why I'm never satisfied with myself. Whenever I feel good about my life, I get really anxious. Fear is destroying my life. That's the plain prose sense but it's pretty bland writing. By clarifying the image, you can make the sentence more poetic. I wish I could feel good about my life, but my wishes never come true. I feel like I'm in a nightmare and I can't move because I'm chained to the bed. Even when I wake up, I can still feel the fear of being chained so I can't help myself.

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    • Doris Cornago (1/14/2014 9:05:00 AM) Post reply Stage

      Sir, I appreciate your pointers to Femme Feeble a lot and would like to repost some acknowledging you for them. Particularly, I appreciate this affirmation: Second Guideline: Everything you write hone ... more

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