Learn More

Poetics and Poetry Discussion

Is there a book you just read, a piece of poetry news or a reading you just heard that you want to talk about? Here's the place to start a conversation.
Post a message

Click here to list all messages

Jefferson Carter Jefferson Carter Male, 91, United States (6/22/2013 3:15:00 PM)

Hey, I'm going to put myself right out there like a hopeful ESL poet! I just finsihed this little poem after three weeks of fooling with the form and diction. If you don't like it, just shut up! ! !


Zipper squirrels tumble
from pre-lumber to pre-lumber.

Several pre-venison
watch us, their markings

dotted lines that indicate
prime cuts. Best of all,

you can feel safe
even if you’re lost.

There’s exactly 15 feet
between the trunks

of the susurrant pre-planks.

To post a reply to this message, click here
Replies for this message:


  • Rookie - 9 Points Mary Morstan (6/23/2013 7:02:00 AM) Post reply
    0 person liked.
    0 person did not like.

    I like the dream of the zipper squirrel...and I'd like the " zipper squirrels" clarified in some way because I want readers to get where you're coming from. Following on from what Sue Ann said, maybe you should get yourself in there and have one " pre-venison" ?Hence, " A pre-venison/ watches me/her markings..." and, " I feel safe/even though I'm lost" ?(I'd lose " Best of all" .) Just a thought.... Re the " prime cuts" , I meant that " prime cuts" seems a bit preachy because it's stark, comes a little too close to either a PETA message or to what many people already think; it's the word order perhaps: I want it suggested without being told how to see it.

  • Rookie S. A. S. (6/23/2013 1:54:00 AM) Post reply

    I thought of zipper squirrels as zipping along- zipper more as an adjective for speedy. Several pre-venison would have does with them- if there were several you'd probably have a herd present. I guess I feel a little like Angie does- that you wrote a poem about nature being devoured but don't really have an understanding of the ways of nature.
    I grew up with a father who gardened (big gardens) , hunted, fished, and trapped. He also gathered berries and leeks from the woods. He was a factory worker who painted houses, repaired chimneys and roofs, bagged and sold ground pine- did everything he could to support his family. After age forty, he ended up being the only non-degreed person working at major research facility and he now has three patents in his name (related to coatings involved in covering water tanks) . He just seemed to understand how things worked. He also didn't waste. I think it is waste that is the horror, and people who simply purchase rather than harvest themselves have no real concept of this.
    I went fishing with my dad once and the fish had to be killed after being pulled from the water, and I couldn't do it. In fact, I couldn't bring myself to jerk the pole and hook the fish. I can still see that trout squirming on the end of the line while I tried to reel it in an inch at a time. It ended up falling back into the water after what seemed to me an endless ordeal. My father wasn't very happy with me. My dad did these things not as sport, but because it was a necessity for us to live. I have respect for my dad that he did these things and that he knew how to do them. Some things he learned from family members, but many he taught himself. It all seemed very natural for him to do.
    I like the poem that you wrote, but I'm not sure that the details are accurate enough to give creedence to what you are trying to say- unless the only audience would be people who didn't know the difference.

  • Rookie - 9 Points Mary Morstan (6/22/2013 6:36:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    I got the markings on the deer, saw a diagram for choice cuts on the first read. I like " susurrant pre-planks" and the sound of " pre-lumber to pre-lumber" , and I like what you are trying to do. But, as someone who doesn't eat meat, I would shy away from describing animals killed for human consumption as " prime cuts" , because I always think of that when I'm walking (usually with meat-eating friends) in the countryside and hence, for me, it seems a tad preachy. I also get the sense that you have edited down and down and down and that something is missing.... Now, having said all that, what are " zipper squirrels" ?I googled and got a rock band and biscuits - could be I've missed the whole point (but being Irish I will never shut up...)

    Replies for this message:
    • Rookie - 9 Points Jefferson Carter (6/22/2013 7:55:00 PM) Post reply

      M, Glad you got the markings right off. I was getting worried. I made up zipper squirrels; actually, I dreamt them, squirrels that had been bred with zippers in their fur so they could be harvested e ... more

  • Rookie - 759 Points Lamont Palmer (6/22/2013 4:14:00 PM) Post reply | Read 2 replies

    The fiercest critic on the net...doesn't want criticism?How dare you. (smile) - LP

    Replies for this message:
    • Rookie - 759 Points Lamont Palmer (6/22/2013 8:30:00 PM) Post reply

      I still say you'd have been better off writing for TV, with your piquant, content-driven imagination. I think you cheated yourself, lo, these many years. -LP

    • Rookie - 759 Points Jefferson Carter (6/22/2013 5:45:00 PM) Post reply

      Just foolin', Monty! Bring it on! ! I can take it out as well as dish it out, well, maybe I'm a little better at dishing it out....

[Hata Bildir]