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Steven Ralph Steven Ralph Male, 44, United States (10/16/2013 9:44:00 PM)

Okay, everyone else has put themselves out there risking life and limb. I guess if I'm going to criticize, I need to do the same. First draft, but I worked pretty hard on it so far. Carter, put down those tomatoes!



Waked

Frosty gourd
Almost smiled. Rosy
Polished Walnut.

Cloudy Black suits
Milled ‘round
The soft pillows.

The Widow was a
Silhouette.
Your feet were
Parched. You looked

At the floor bored,
And felt sudden. Felt
Stale.

They were all spinning
With the earth. They
Were canvas.

No one was wringing
Hands, not even you.

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  • Jefferson Carter Rookie - 1st Stage (10/17/2013 8:16:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    Doggo, I like this. I never insist poems make sense, only that they skirt total nonsense and pique my interest, that they're non-derivative and vivid. This poem does all of that. I've edited it just a tad. Good poem.



    Waked

    Frosty gourd
    Almost smiled.

    Cloudy Black suits
    Milled ‘aound
    The soft pillows.

    The Widow was
    A silhouette.
    Your feet were
    Parched. You looked

    At the floor, bored,
    Felt sudden. Felt
    Stale.

    They were all spinning
    With the earth. They
    Were canvas.

    No one was wringing
    Hands, not even you.

    Replies for this message:
    • Steven Ralph Rookie - 1st Stage (10/17/2013 9:59:00 PM) Post reply

      Thanks, Jeff. I don't mind you took out the 'walnut' part. I just wanted to emphasize 'funeral' in case people couldn't figure it out. When I copy and pasted it, It left out the first line. Piss ... more

  • Gulsher John Rookie - 1st Stage (10/17/2013 8:59:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    And felt sudden...?

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