Only I and my wife are here tonight.
Charlie's family, none of whom wanted
to be here tonight, asked me to give
the eulogy. I didn't know Charlie very well
but the numbers are just coming in
on the main screen and here we go:
Charlie consumed just over 25,000 tons of food,
pissed away just under 270,000 liters of urine,
excreted just over 12,000 pounds of excrement,
breathed just under 284,000,000 litres of air,
fornicated just under 5,000 times,
created just over 126,00 pounds of garbage,
dirtied just under 2,000,000 gallons of water,
and close to 150 trees were felled just for Charlie,
not including this casket to my right.
He had no wife or children and at the time
of his death no friends. In short,
Charlie died a miserable SOB.