Critiques and Revision

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  • Veteran Poet - 1,394 Points Brian Stafford (3/3/2015 8:27:00 AM) Post reply
    1 person liked.
    0 person did not like.

    Poem: Musical Memories

    Melodic memories appear,
    Uptempo thoughts arise,
    Symphonic times of fear,
    Instrumental moments surprise,
    Crescendo's of past recollections.

  • Rookie - 0 Points Matthew Ede (3/2/2015 4:24:00 AM) Post reply

    The Lackadaisical Lover

    A little trust,
    is better than an alter ego.
    A new first,
    is perfect for my broken shadow.
    My deep thirst,
    is gobbled me in half-a-swallow.
    A safe nest,
    epilogue to rendered solo.

    Pick a stone, draw your sling
    Rekindle the circus flame on a golden ring.

    Like the the dust on burnt ash
    Rebukes the Oxen with a whiplash.

    The moles have seen us...

    A little patience,
    is sweetness to my open sore.

    Matthew Ede.

  • Rookie - 39 Points Banu Dai (2/27/2015 9:25:00 AM) Post reply

    Never Again

    Never again will I sit across
    Smell your breath in the air
    Hold your gaze through the stare
    Feel your touch in my hair

    Never again will you feel a squeeze
    Expressing my longing with such ease
    Never will our arms brush across
    As we walk through the palms.

    Never will you hear my call
    Through the crowds in the hall
    Never will we turn around
    To the sound of our foot fall

    Never again can you touch my face
    Trace a line through this frontage
    Never again will there be silence
    To hear the sounds of my benevolence

    Never will you feel the warmth
    In the weaves of my yarn
    Never again will I look to sew
    Hem a tale or a new lace.

    Never will I hold your hand
    Feel the grease in the palm
    Never will you be able to graze
    In my land and in my space

    Never again will my heart be taken
    By the words of your compassion
    Never will we meet again
    In any lane or a by lane.

    Banu dai

  • Rookie - 49 Points Tj Holl (2/26/2015 6:38:00 PM) Post reply

    I wear these dark glasses
    To hide not my eyes
    But to hide what really lies inside
    The pain and agony
    That this world has brung
    The suffering and madness of the song my heart has sung
    I've seen some dark days
    Darker then the tint on these Gucci shades
    I've cried so many rivers
    On so many nights
    I've begged God to come save me
    But he ignored my tears
    So I'm Alone in the this dark
    just me and all my fears
    It seems so lonely In this world of 7 billion people
    Like there's no one to turn to
    the last man standing of a dying people
    earth was meant to be a paradise but really seems like hell
    I'm searching for my happiness
    But it eludes me like searching for the holy grail
    I've felt like I've failed
    Lost.. walking on a never ending trail
    But As I walk Wondering is there any hope in sight
    Just as I start to feel hopeless
    God shows up and holds me tight
    Saying I'm here for you my child
    I've haven't been missing
    I was here from the start
    It is you who has left me
    But I can hear your heart
    Even from beneath the oceans
    Even in the deepest part
    You've tried to fight the world alone
    You wanted to be a man out on your own
    But life with out me
    Time and time agian you'll see
    It's no to bright
    and unhappy you'll be
    Now with him
    im back on feet
    Everyday is a new beginning
    No need for those tears
    Cause as long as I'm in the ring with him
    I'm Winning
    conquering all my fears

  • Rookie - 15 Points ian Timmons (2/21/2015 9:07:00 PM) Post reply

    Bye Mother.

    Your on the road to say goodbye
    I'm sure you'll make it just in time
    I hope this will catch the tears as they fall
    I know your scared you'll get the call

    If you stop you'll be with regret
    your better off to take the bet
    she's holding on just for you
    You pray to god she'll make it through

    You flash to the past and all its hate
    then you realize it was all a mistake
    you clench the wheel oh so mad
    you've missed the years you could of had

    for it takes the time and love of two
    when your mother is gone their is only you

  • Bronze Star - 2,323 Points Melikhaya Zagagana (2/19/2015 12:40:00 AM) Post reply

    I had taken a walk lightly
    It was merely a night fling
    It often occurs after supper rush
    My maiden would not care to quest
    I would bring us fruit in the wilderness
    But the journey would not be shared
    Night journeys are secretive in a way
    There is darkness to plan a route
    And that makes them a risk

  • Rookie - 230 Points Courtney Metcalf (2/16/2015 7:30:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    Alone sits a four year old girl
    Along with her baby brother, who to her, means the world
    Parents locked upstairs, cooking drugs in their room
    As the little girl turns on her favorite cartoons
    She makes his bottles and gives him his bathes
    She's scared to pick him up, so she just cleans him with rags
    She climbs the cabinets to make her some food
    She finds a box of cereal 'cause that's all she can do
    She wishes they would come down, then mommy could sing her to sleep
    Maybe daddy could lay beside her, and help her count sheep
    She misses them everyday and wants them to come down
    It's hard with a baby brother and no one else around
    Sometimes she just wishes he could talk
    She looks forward to the day when he learns to walk
    Would she have to teach him how to do that too?
    Or would he just know, shoe in front of shoe?
    Maybe then her parents would take them to the park
    She lies there and thinks, alone in the dark
    The next morning she awakes to the screaming of swears
    It seems her parents had finally came down the stairs
    The girl runs to them, because of course she's excited
    Til dad knocks mom to the ground and things get quited
    The little girl is scared, she runs to grab her brother
    They hide in a closet and she calls her grandmother
    Grandma hurries over like she always has
    The little girl is thankful, as several days pass
    Her parents never realize til at least a week after
    Sometimes the little girl wonders if she even matters
    A couple of years go by, growing up in Denison
    Dad promises to teach the girl how to ride a bike, but first he's sent to prison
    Fast forward, fast forward
    Now the girl is thirteen
    Her dad gets out, her mom is now clean
    Dad says he wants his family back, but mom knows better
    He starts doing drugs again a few weeks later
    The brother is the girls only best friend
    But then he gets older and she is forgotten again
    The mother works and is never home
    So the girl still sits all alone

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  • Freshman - 906 Points Rakhi Jayashankar (2/16/2015 3:51:00 AM) Post reply

    Why should I cover my face
    Why should I be called after my birthplace
    Why should I retreat to a shell??

    If my rapists can move around
    If my attackers are free
    Why should I be deprived of a normal life

    I request you media
    Don't blur my face
    Don't hide my identity
    I'm not a mere rape victim
    I'm an individual
    I'm a girl
    I have a name
    A family

    Some worms crept through my body
    I applied wormicides
    As simple as that
    Then what's the friggin fuss about

    Don't hang them; Don't give them life sentence
    Prison is a haven for them
    Penectomize them and leave them free
    Let them have the libido but nothing to quench it
    Let them feel the pain there without the pleasure

  • Freshman - 906 Points Rakhi Jayashankar (2/16/2015 3:47:00 AM) Post reply


    Fallen Flowers

    Those Inocent smiles will never shine
    those lovely chirrups will never sing
    those tiny dolls will never dance
    In the garden of Peshawar

    Was it anarchy
    Was it the tacit consent
    Was it a subservient negligence
    By the authorities

    Poor little creatures
    What was their mistake
    Why were they crushed
    Why did they massacre

    Will they get JANNATH???
    Will Allah be happy??
    Allah never told us to kill each other
    Prophet never prophesed to Holy war
    No war is holy
    IS, OR LeT OR Taliban or whatever losers call it
    You will never win
    You will never be venerated

  • Veteran Poet - 1,394 Points Brian Stafford (2/12/2015 10:50:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    Hi would be interested to know what you think of this poem:

    Poem: The Wise Man

    I came across a wise man,
    words of wisdom he had for me;
    Stay clear of flying horses,
    and horses in the sea;
    Avoid the phantom menace,
    and devils in the tree;
    Keep away from wily wasps,
    and paper tigers running free;
    Don't go in the friendly forest,
    when the sun begins to fall;
    Ward off the wounded wizards,
    and witches playing ball;
    Keep away from jovial jackdaws,
    or listen to their call;
    Avoid the jolly jesters,
    and lions full of pride;
    Keep clear of the freezing graveyards;
    and the secrets that they hide;
    Avert the angry aardvarks;
    or get on their wrong side;
    Deflect the blind man's gaze,
    and wishing in the well;
    Don't' listen to the magicians,
    or learn to cast a spell;
    Don't always believe the wise men;
    or the tales that they tell.

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