Treasure Island

Critiques and Revision

Post your poems here for objective, honest critiques and suggestions.
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  • Deborah Gringhuis Rookie - 1st Stage (9/11/2014 8:49:00 AM) Post reply

    Too deep or not too deep
    That is the question
    Surfing around in my mind
    The waves of emotion
    Come into shore
    By twisted tongue
    The anxiety
    As the crab collected from
    The morning tide
    My heart is picked up and
    Put in a basket just waiting
    Whats next
    It sits on a shelf scared to
    Death, is this the end
    Pick me! Pick me!
    Is it over or has it just begun?

  • Mohammad Skati Veteran Poet - 3rd Stage (9/6/2014 3:15:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    Criticism fails if not achieving the objective point of view anytime, so a critic who takes things personal, then he will fail later on.

    Replies for this message:
    • John Westlake Freshman - 2nd Stage (9/9/2014 9:34:00 PM) Post reply | Read 2 replies

      No. Some will criticise the work of others for no reason, personal or not. Constructive criticism is normally best if any needs to be made

  • John Westlake Freshman - 2nd Stage (9/4/2014 10:59:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    Blood drips from the open palm
    the hand silently cries
    due to the pain it received

    The knife passes blamelessly
    slicing deep through already heavily scarred skin
    before moving on to the soft flesh of the wrist
    unaware that it is doing any wrong
    the hand that holds it is at fault
    but won’t suffer any punishment

    People would say the wielder needs help
    but won’t do a damn thing about it to ease their pain
    sometimes all they need is a little support
    a comforting voice in their world of chaos
    just to show them that someone cares enough about them
    to make them put down the blade

    Replies for this message:
    • Gbolagade Taiwo Rookie - 1st Stage (9/13/2014 3:59:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

      Nice work! It talks about people knowing what to do but not willing to do...the poem is loaded with lessons...thank you. Hope people will change for good. Kudos!

  • Gajanan Mishra Bronze Star - 4th Stage (9/4/2014 8:30:00 PM) Post reply

    It is right nothing is fixed, no truth, no love and nothing. It is all relative, here there and everywhere.

  • Aidan Cost Rookie - 1st Stage (9/4/2014 7:12:00 AM) Post reply

    This poem is called Stranger, probably one of my personal favourites of my own works

    " Tell me your story young chestnut brown,
    I've never seen your face, you must be new in town,
    What do these darkened ridges on your hands mean?
    Normally i cant keep a conversation but you seem so keen.
    Explain to me the honeyed tone in your voice,
    I understand this absent minded beauty isn't of choice.
    Does your stomach feel a-flutter,
    alike a fly of butter,
    Well I must bid you good day, its a shame this must end,
    maybe this time tomorrow i can call you 'friend'?
    Walk your path down the evergreen,
    most interesting soul i ever have seen,
    maybe when you pass a another time, you,
    Your journey away will accommodate for two?"

  • Nehemiah Theophylus Haokip Rookie - 1st Stage (8/29/2014 11:27:00 AM) Post reply

    The saga of bloody hours 5

    Soldier aiming the soul of mutt,

    To lean on the wall of freedom,

    But the pitiless war won’t end,

    Until the wave of unity rise,

    My lips will spell out those words,

    To level the miracles of lord,

    The people will march till the end,

    FOR they HAD sin to glory,

    The saga was rightfully ours,

    But we vamoose our dreams,

    The blessing was from century,

    And the curse was from the beginning,

    But the crisis not ready to leave us,

    The enemies will long war,

    And the force will pressure high,

    As we were angry,

    God alone was enough to protect us,

    But we settle very thing,

    The rain will flow down with fish,

    In the name of our lord,

    The star will dwell in our head high,

    To ember the darkness of an anger freak,

    He hear our cries,

    For we praise upon him,

    The fang will break the gold of our sin,

    For love was left for us,

    As we were poor and needy,

    To make him proud of what we were.

    written by Nehemiah theophylus haokip

    Date 12/2/12

  • Shane Clawson Rookie - 1st Stage (8/28/2014 11:26:00 PM) Post reply

    In the darkest corners of my dreams

    I was running away from everything

    that reminded me of you

    the origami heart shapes

    Searching for a breakthrough

    I'll be okay tonight

    I counted sheep to pass the time

    but it doesn't matter, I'm wide awake

    Feels like a wave is crashing over me

    When I'm sinking and nobody cries for help

    I must be brave although I'm still fragile

    Like grandma's trinkets above the fire place

    I'll be okay tonight

  • Shane Clawson Rookie - 1st Stage (8/28/2014 11:25:00 PM) Post reply

    Darling darling this world is mess

    A mixture of wealthy corporations

    Selfish bureaucracies slithering for our money

    That melts away like cheap wax

    every time we see commercials ads.

    Darling darling

    I want to cuddle you

    like my new born

    Before you rot in a ditch,

    floating away down the river.

    Bullets that have hatched into bodies

    My body, a plastic bag

    With fingers, lips and eyes.

    Darling darling

    bangs at the door

    black boots standing at the exit

    I shall weep under my bed

    leaving my cereal and orange juice untouched.

    Perhaps I am a tyrannical criminal,

    boot impressions littered around the bodies in the road

    Never the less, I cannot pray for a higher power anymore

    Janjaweed Janjaweed.

  • Mohammad Skati Veteran Poet - 3rd Stage (8/28/2014 10:01:00 AM) Post reply

    In fact, objectivity and honesty are two good factors in estimating any poem.

  • Mohammad Skati Veteran Poet - 3rd Stage (8/27/2014 10:55:00 AM) Post reply

    I suggest, great members, that we can pick a certain poem to analyze objectively everyday.

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