Treasure Island

Critiques and Revision


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  • Kathleen Bartholomew (4/23/2012 5:08:00 PM) Post reply Stage

    Hi Joshua
    I like the poem
    nice rhythm
    you managed to make it rhyme without it being obviously the wrong choice of word
    I felt emotionional

    Try losing some of the wasted words which cluter it. like-

    I gaze in the mirror.What is this I see.?
    I wonder how this person is who I've come to be?

    regards from Kathleen Bartholomew (uk)

  • Joshua Crumpton (4/22/2012 9:12:00 AM) Post reply Stage

    The Mirror
    As I gaze at the mirror that hangs, what is this that I see.
    As I stare, I wonder how this person looking back is who I've come to be.

    I look into those eyes, in which seem to only behold sadness.
    Lonely no matter where I turn, and can't seem to escape this madness.

    If I were to look into that heart, and through my very soul,
    I would find a world of emptiness and pain that I can't seem to control.

    Yet I don't move, and can't see, it's like in darkness I feel blind.
    Why do I continue to stare at this mirror, what is it that I hope to find?

    There is a dark side of the mirror, in which I'm afraid to say,
    Feeling like a demon from hell cast out to play.

    That's the part that does evil and idiotic things,
    No matter what happens and what it brings.

    I try to keep it in, something I must get rid of or atleast hide.
    But I can't bury it, because still it's lurking deep down inside.

    As I look upon this mirror, I see so much anger and pain.
    I've tried to hide it, but no matter what the mirror still remains.

  • Martynas Valius (4/21/2012 7:25:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply Stage

    'Moshe'

    A long time ago one kid
    would shower snowballs up on us
    his name was Moshe
    neighbour's ewe lamb,
    once he drowned my family's cat
    after pricking it all over with
    his mother's tailor needle.
    He didn't apologise didn't look back.
    He'd laugh when I would kiss you
    beneath the willow right on your reddish cheek
    sort of a ripe midsummer's fruit
    when our dry lips hadn't already
    been wading through the childhood
    to the dewy land.
    And Moshe was working together
    with his father veterinarian -
    latex gloves, scissors
    tubing, tents,
    patching up the gashes for curs
    puttin'em to sleep due to the rabies,
    the birds would withdraw from the sky
    when Moshe would spend his night-time
    on a loft sewing up the tails of the mice
    after tearing them off
    without any prayer, Lord,
    without a touch.
    Moshe had a scar below his eye
    he was born marked,
    genes, my dear,
    people saying
    that's a gene of scalpel and needle,
    and it's uncertain what they'd been doing
    with our parents's cats
    in the childhood.
    I met him at abandoned temple recently,
    Moshe, he was meshed
    into the bindweeds
    fogged from eternal shade
    demented from birdsongs
    wale-marked by God,
    or by Lucifer, or perhaps by me
    I swear I can't remember
    it's a long time we are seeking ourselves
    for each other at this temple
    you never know there's a chance
    we are simply insane.

    Replies for this message:
    • Vanessa Waltz (4/24/2012 3:35:00 PM) Post reply Stage

      Wow. Really impressed with this poem. I did notice a typo: parents's Also wondering about the line " it's a long time we are seeking ourselves" - not sure what it means, and to me the wordi ... more

  • Otonye Daniel (4/19/2012 11:19:00 AM) Post reply Stage

    Burning tears from his eyes riot down
    Down the vast of his cheeks
    For in his life sorrow sat on a throne..
    And wore a crown..
    Sadness the glue was..that joins his every flesh..to bone
    His pathetic life partied in clubs of fustration
    His soul danced to sad rhythms with every second that tick'd..
    He was an orphan, he was a lovelorn
    His sorrow was fat and his woes thick..
    No wonder 'twas his hands who tied this rope..
    On this tree from which his lifeless body swings..
    A mortal that never had hope..
    That one day his seely bells would ring..
    Now watch.. Dead.. His eyes still cry..
    He commited suicide.. But his tears won't die

  • Luca Menin (4/17/2012 1:17:00 PM) Post reply Stage

    I’ m witness of the love, of a mother breast
    holding is child, on her smoked flavoured chest.
    In her harms, like a wormed nest of cuddle,
    On a shelter of refreshing shadow.

    I’m witness of the hunger of this world
    Feeding of sour milk and hungry sore.
    Of traps, pouring gasps on the
    Empty hallow of stomach guts.

    I’m witness of the poverty embraces humanity.
    Of people heart, devours neighbours leisure.
    Making song of sorrow, for their own pleasure.
    And meaningless treasures.

    I’m witness of the richness fantasy of a child
    Embracing childish games of spices.
    Singing songs & rhymes.

    I’m witness on this world
    Where life’s dwell
    On sorrow and Sadness
    On joy of happiness.

  • inco G. Nito (4/9/2012 2:17:00 AM) Post reply Stage

    You say that you love me
    an ocean apart
    beware of the distance
    beware of my heart

    I think of your body
    and your beautiful eyes
    reminds me of something
    the birds in the skies

    Then I look at your picture
    so in love with your smile
    beware of the distance
    beware of the mile

    Staring out of the window
    one night full of rain
    beware of the distance
    beware all the pain

    With my feelings I struggle
    down my cheeks - falling tears
    you are but a dream
    in my mind with my fears

    I long for your words
    and the sound of your voice
    forget all your troubles
    ignore all the noise

    So speak to me dearest
    say something nice
    just whisper my name
    then kiss me twice

    I just want you to kiss me
    and stay for a while
    calm down for a moment
    and show me your smile

    I love you my darling
    an ocean apart
    beware of the distance
    beware of my heart

    If you love me my sweetheart
    you know it so well
    come closer and touch me
    and kiss me and then...

    what happens next
    is a secret to tell!

  • Danjosh Zeus (4/7/2012 5:33:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply Stage

    My Heart

    It was a pluvial day of sweetness
    When i receive my heart
    Weakened by pain...
    Full of stain...
    With tears like rain...
    I found a piece of it were missing
    That really causes a great bleeding
    But during the bleeding as i walk...
    I found a piece exactly for the hole
    It suddenly fills my heart into whole
    More joyful than before...
    All pains were ignore..
    and full of amor...

    Replies for this message:
    • Danjosh Zeus (4/7/2012 5:33:00 AM) Post reply Stage

      plss do dropp some comments and suggestions guyz...thx and god bless!

  • Greg Michael (4/3/2012 11:50:00 AM) Post reply Stage

    There it is that Buzzing....

    There it is that buzzing,
    Its all up inside my head,
    I'll constantly hear that buzzing,
    Until this thing is dead,
    I tried to take aim with my swatter,
    Tried to catch it in a jar,
    Tried to crush it with my jotter,
    And run over it with my car.

    Its been here for three months now,
    It's really driving me round the bend,
    They say that I've gone mad you know,
    Something their tablets cannot mend.

    He helps me in my jacket,  
    His name is nurse and he's my mate,
    Padded walls to stop the racket,
    Hospital food upon the plate.

    They say when the buzzing goes,
    I can go back to my house,
    'I'll go now I propose'
    'The buzzing is as quiet as a mouse! '

    Its here and just won't go away,
    I've been to hell and back,
    I really, don't want to stay,
    So I'll say its gone and start to pack...

  • Fayeda Vanimel (4/1/2012 4:03:00 AM) Post reply Stage

    No Love Plz...


    This shadow
    fell upon the sunny yard,
    dark and fairy shapes,
    flowing..then rounding into one..
    dispersing into two then many ones..,
    a hot breeze disturbing me,
    and it's gentle touch..
    I'm missing You! ! !


    Once in a similar sunny day,
    may be the past year i say.,
    looking back to memories,
    finding glances we exchanged,
    and silent talks,
    I've grown up,
    yeah..not that secondary schooled girl,
    grown u by age and thoughts!

    But still i don't forget,
    your wheels which followed me by,
    and your rare calls,
    ohhh..... I'm missing you.!
    may be this feels ordinary,
    but it was all my first love..
    first and undoubtedly last of any such..
    I will love some one, (i would love in future)
    when they give me countless love.
    But ne'er as ours.

    Yet, I'm fooled and puzzled..
    did we?.....love each other?
    I know you did. I think you still.
    But ne'er, I did ne'er.
    But still I miss you! ! ! ! !

    Girls are sometimes so, and so not.
    may be boys too.
    But I'm sure, I didn't love you,
    or...why should I've loved you??!

  • Amy Chen (3/31/2012 2:34:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply Stage

    When Optimism is diffused and Life is a mess
    When the Spirit is dampened and the Soul is in distress
    When Night conspires to keep Dawn out of reach
    There will be no more vacations on the beach.

    Rising bubbles of Suffocation in my chest
    Up and down a rollercoaster nest
    I try to seize Control – Control eludes me
    Instead, it precipitates Insecurity.

    Bad things happen, it is pointless to dwell
    But Logic does not dictate what the Heart compels
    This feeling of Sadness strongly overwhelms
    If only I could escape to my own magical realm

    Where Reality is not compounded with Regret
    Where the scales don’t tip to the side of Debt
    Where I can see my reflection and smile
    And for once, be happy, just for a little while.

    (Wrote this after my accident.)

    Replies for this message:
    • Hawkins Rodgers (5/31/2012 9:50:00 AM) Post reply Stage

      I like that this not only has rhythm and rhyme, but also a solid structure and meaning. btw Good luck with that accident.

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