Critiques and Revision


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  • Fayeda Vanimel (4/1/2012 4:03:00 AM) Post reply

    No Love Plz...


    This shadow
    fell upon the sunny yard,
    dark and fairy shapes,
    flowing..then rounding into one..
    dispersing into two then many ones..,
    a hot breeze disturbing me,
    and it's gentle touch..
    I'm missing You! ! !


    Once in a similar sunny day,
    may be the past year i say.,
    looking back to memories,
    finding glances we exchanged,
    and silent talks,
    I've grown up,
    yeah..not that secondary schooled girl,
    grown u by age and thoughts!

    But still i don't forget,
    your wheels which followed me by,
    and your rare calls,
    ohhh..... I'm missing you.!
    may be this feels ordinary,
    but it was all my first love..
    first and undoubtedly last of any such..
    I will love some one, (i would love in future)
    when they give me countless love.
    But ne'er as ours.

    Yet, I'm fooled and puzzled..
    did we?.....love each other?
    I know you did. I think you still.
    But ne'er, I did ne'er.
    But still I miss you! ! ! ! !

    Girls are sometimes so, and so not.
    may be boys too.
    But I'm sure, I didn't love you,
    or...why should I've loved you??!

  • Amy Chen (3/31/2012 2:34:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    When Optimism is diffused and Life is a mess
    When the Spirit is dampened and the Soul is in distress
    When Night conspires to keep Dawn out of reach
    There will be no more vacations on the beach.

    Rising bubbles of Suffocation in my chest
    Up and down a rollercoaster nest
    I try to seize Control – Control eludes me
    Instead, it precipitates Insecurity.

    Bad things happen, it is pointless to dwell
    But Logic does not dictate what the Heart compels
    This feeling of Sadness strongly overwhelms
    If only I could escape to my own magical realm

    Where Reality is not compounded with Regret
    Where the scales don’t tip to the side of Debt
    Where I can see my reflection and smile
    And for once, be happy, just for a little while.

    (Wrote this after my accident.)

    Replies for this message:
    • Hawkins Rodgers (5/31/2012 9:50:00 AM) Post reply

      I like that this not only has rhythm and rhyme, but also a solid structure and meaning. btw Good luck with that accident.

  • Amy Chen (3/31/2012 2:32:00 AM) Post reply

    Too often I find myself in search of meaning
    in my increasingly irrational existence.
    Knowing too much is a dangerous thing,
    I fear I’ve succumbed to resistance.
    If only ignorance can be disguised as bliss,
    I would gladly spend my life unaware
    of the many treasures and happiness
    resting beyond my reach somewhere.

    Instead, every morning I wake and face
    a monotonous eight to five scene.
    I wish that I have the power to replace
    the sun, moon, and all that’s in between.
    Imagine a parallel universe
    where mistakes are few and petty;
    I won’t be subject to loneliness’ curse
    and misfortune is but a hyperbole.

    It is time to put life under review
    and reflect whether this is truly for me.
    Am I strong enough to push through
    the sorrow of this soliloquy?
    Or will the Will fizzle and burn,
    and see my efforts in vain -
    lest fortune’s wheels never turn
    once in my favour again.

    //Background: The past couple of months have been horrid. Crashed my car, had my bag stolen, broke my glasses. Poetry was my way of dealing with it all. My own therapy.

  • Roxy Del Mar (3/24/2012 2:44:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    Requiem

    I mourn for those who never lived,
    For the many never born,
    Those many multi-colored eyes
    That never beheld the morn.

    I grieve for the ones who never felt
    Fresh sea-breeze on their faces,
    Or, in childhood, blew the dandelion
    The wind torments and chases.

    I sorrow for the innocents,
    Who never knew the light,
    Who were mercilessly slaughtered.
    Stolen, their life, their only right.

    To take away the chance to live
    Is the worst of any crime.
    You've no more right to your child's life
    Than you've got to come take mine!

    When will life regain its value,
    When will hungry death be satisfied?
    I fear never, for the unborn in danger,
    And ex-mothers who have secretly cried.

    In case it isn't obvious... I am staunchly pro-life, and this poem is meant to help others see the horror of abortion from my point of view. Any nasty comments will be removed. You have the right to disagree, but I ask you to do it respectfully.

    Replies for this message:
    • Melody Kuku (3/28/2012 5:44:00 PM) Post reply

      I think your poem is great. Your words are simple but laced with reprove for people who condone abortion. You make use of touching imageries of children deprived of the right to see the sun, feel the ... more

  • Elisha Nelly Mukiibi (3/23/2012 1:23:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    It ravages like the wild Californian fire
    Through it leaves a Sahara behind
    A heat so intense it boils me down
    Plainly unthinkable….
    It so defines itself

    It peels through like a knife
    Layer after layer it goes away
    Into the Congo jungles
    Deeper on it preys……
    Looking for meaning

    It sups on denial
    And tears in its wake
    Seething for understanding
    Trying to correct……
    What it tries to understand

    It smiles out
    What a joy it reveals
    With every line lies a beat of hope
    Warming to the future…
    A love to hold on to.

    It's everything to me,
    Burns like a fire
    Peels through my heart
    Leaves me in denial
    But stills it brings me joy

    Replies for this message:
    • Melody Kuku (3/28/2012 5:55:00 PM) Post reply

      I dont really understand what you are trying to say. But what i could understand was that you are talking about love that torments you. Yet, you still derive joy from it. You seem not to mind what it ... more

  • ~Deana ~ Dotterweich (3/22/2012 11:09:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    I'm going crazy,
    Ripping my hair out of my skull.
    Trying not to cry,
    Over a certain guy.
    He is lazy,
    And quite dull.
    I don't think I even love him at all.

    So,
    Tell me.
    What should I do?
    No,
    Can't you see?
    Do I have to give you a clue?

    I'm going insane,
    At the thought of loving you.
    Crazy....and in vain,
    At the thought of you.
    I try not to twitch,
    But my wrists do itch.
    There must be a glitch,
    Please don't be a snitch.

    Replies for this message:
    • Melody Kuku (3/28/2012 6:04:00 PM) Post reply

      Lol, the guy must really be a dweeb you dont want to love yet, you cant but love. I love your use of rhyme scheme. An intresting poem and funny too to those that have humour.

  • Elisha Nelly Mukiibi (3/17/2012 11:26:00 AM) Post reply

    I won't
    4get
    Oh this feeling
    I got 4 u
    Makin me smile
    Feeling special
    Utterly wanted i just can't 4get
    Oh wen i get to hug n hold
    Everybit of me fitted 2 u
    Helples in ya arms
    Binding me fast
    This is nothing i xpected.
    I just can't 4get
    That light feeling
    Every vein feels light
    Blood flowing lyk cream
    Slowly thru
    And hw can i just 4get
    Such a delightful feeling
    Turning me on n up
    All this love u give me
    Such a love i just can't 4get.

  • Rex Copperfield (3/16/2012 5:21:00 PM) Post reply

    i need people to view and comment my poems for feedback im trying to write a book with all the poems on here in it, and i only want top notch poems in it so if u could help me id be soooooooooooooooo grateful

  • Madhuparna Chakraborty (3/14/2012 7:56:00 AM) Post reply

    any comments on this poem is welcome...

    Estranged

    Wretched and forlorn in the emptiness of her soul
    waiting for her love to come back
    inconsolably forsaken
    as a lonely bird
    contemplating what had been driven between them like a wedge
    was it disaffection?
    what was her fault, she knew not why
    An air of melancholy now sweeps through her life
    The screams of her anguished existence would not abate
    Reminiscing cherished moments
    Hoping to turn things around somehow
    Alas, that is not to be
    for it had cut him too deep to be cured.

  • John Hazon Palen (3/9/2012 3:28:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    I have just submitted my newest poem.. I think it speaks for itself and by itself with all of its rhythms and rhymes! If you may ask, I write poems so as to clarify things out of my hazy thoughts which at times struck me.. It's my way of LOOSING MYSELF! ; ') AJA, everyone!

    Replies for this message:
    • Rose Flores (3/11/2012 1:08:00 AM) Post reply

      You will know yourself better in the process of writing poems. Thanks for sharing your poems.

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