Paul Smith

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Realisation

I look into the mirror and see ghost,
A face devoid of emotion, devoid of feeling,
A shadow of a past, of a life I almost remember.

My mind is travelling at 100mph,
I can’t focus on any thoughts, nothing is clear,
Then the nightmares begin, taking over my mind.

The same questions over and over,
My value to this world, my value to myself,
Always the same answer, nothing, no value whatsoever.

Why is this happening, what did do?
Nothing matters anymore, nothing matters at all,
The world is so empty and once more I’m alone.

Like a cure for this madness I hold the blade,
Carefully cutting, making sure my punishment is just,
This feels like the answer, this is my truth.

As a red stream flows down to my fingers,
I questing the merits of one last deeper cut,
Just end it now, stop this pain forever.

Then comes the realisation, as the blood hits the floor,
All at once the images of her,
Tears in her eyes and the guilt within my heart.

“How can you do this”? She doesn’t understand
I struggle for words, try to explain,
All that comes out is “I’m not trying to hurt you”.

How can you explain an emotion of pure hate,
A feeling of pure distain for your very essence,
A feeling that you would be better dead,

“That’s not true” is the reply, but that’s only half the nightmare,
What about the others I might infect?
How many lives will I destroy, monsters deserve to die.

As the bleeding stops and the headache begins to subside,
The underlining realisation of the pain and suffering become apparent,
Not mine this time, but that which I am putting her through.

Together we sit, we talk forever,
She is trying so hard to understand, to hear me,
My biggest fear realized that I am hurting her.

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