Pauline Levesque

You asked me if I knew what I had done
How I pushed the knife deep and cut your heart wide open....
to bleed...
pieces of your broken heart falling to the floor.
...

Unicorns and horses run wild and free
I lie down in a field of Kentucky green grass and run my fingers through the blue blades
as they tickle my fingers....
I can only see your silhouette as you stand over me, the sunlight blinds me from seeing your face,
...

Oh I miss the lips that electrify mine,
The pull and tug on my nipples,
The scars that I trace with my finger tips...
I remember all that is beautiful about you.
...

Do you see me on the other side... a whole human being with my wings glued on by a thread?
My hands held out to you but slapped as if I had committed a terrible transgression.
Do you love my layers, my weaknesses, my strength, my heart....
I tell you and you don't hear, I listen but you don't speak..truth hangs in the air just out of reach, shrouded by the past, by secrets, by what you have become by what you believe.
...

I touched her skin and she let me.
Mapping her small flaws and imperfections with my finger tips..
She asked if I came back because she was familiar
and I breathed in her scent... my tongue gently tasted her,
...

Enchanted by your smile, I watch you move in grace and
Determination
I sit by your door, breathing in the sweet air of spring….
One leg dangling over the arm of a chair….
...

except the soft crease of her cheek as she smiles,
I no nothing of the nuances and subtleties of love
except that when I hold her, I am at home and loved.
I am short tempered, cruel at times and still dancing with the demons
...

She is an enigma to me.
An innocent with a suit of armor.
Restlessness, dissatisfaction….a sadness…
It always surrounds her
...

It is nipping at my heals.
Images of my death in various ways play out in front of my eyes.
One scenario is from pills and my lifeless body lying in bed for a few days before anyone comes to investigate.
Would I be missed?
...

“I don’t pretend to dance in the rain

For in my heart water flows
...

Lush and vibrate is a memory of my youth, of rivers white and blue of unknown adventures that made my heart beat a little...
life coursed threw my veins... the thumping of my pulse reminded me I was awake.
Pretend that the warmth of you is hidden away..
Pretend that it is almost at an end and there are no more wonders to be seen
...

Does she love me, tolerate me, like me?

I grate like sandpaper on her every nerve, it seems nothing I say or do is right, not centered enough, not strong enough…..
...

I just don’t know what is wrong?
The peach was sweet, the juice thick
And her smile ….oh her smile….
Don’t speak, don’t analyze, don’t move, don’t be
...

that after the most amazing weekend that now I have to be without you.
You still permeate my thoughts, my soul and my heart.
Your sweet scent is in my clothes, my bed....
I ache for you and there is no immediate relief in sight.
...

Walking the halls of insanity,
Frozen by fear and doubt,
Unable to break the cycle of abandonment, trust and abuse.
...

With all my doubts and uncertainty’s,
My fears and the ghosts from the past,
She brings light and happiness into my life.
...

Is this the price I pay for love?
A battle of wills a battle of the past, the ghosts of past transgressions,
Moments are rot with pain, anguish, then….
Peace, happiness like nothing I have ever
...

Now that it is over, I am startled by how deep the pain goes.
I know eventually it will subside,
That I will want to live again but
For now, I feel sick.
...

So many tears, so much pain,
My heart pumps blood on the floor…
It’s not in my chest anymore!
...

It is about the pain, isn’t it baby?
It’s about the strips of flesh we have taken from each other in the name of safety and trust.
Trying to maintain our squares of independence, our sense of self..
Rivers of fresh water need to run over the wounds and the cuts we have inflicted…
...