Treasure Island

Russell Nero

(May 25th,1995)

19 Midlife Crisis


Help...I'm in need of help
It's just that...
I don't know which kind
This isn't a poem of happy melodies
this is to somebody, anybody
who cares to listen, who cares to respond
This isn't a poem behind the scenes
this is just the contents spilling upon the page
please indulge me, I've lost my brain
I've lost my brain to temptation and hormones
hormones...I thought I could fight them off
keep them at bay
bury them under piles of mindless antics
to keep me busy, to keep my head clear
but I keep losing the fight
while I stay up another night and...
I hate this
I'm 19, only 19
and I fear a midlife crisis springing upon me
Am I really 43,52,61
what's going on
I can feel my whole life coming undone
and see where my future is headed
Alone
I'm all alone, I'm really no one
My friends, my dear good friends
the numbers are dwindling
the numbers are close to reaching zero
and I can't stop it
My flaws get the best of me
I feel I'm a nuisance, annoying
so why would my friends need me
I hate people, the crowds, the aggravation
so why should I tie people to me
Let me answer my own question
'to keep from feeling like I'm completely insane'
Who am I kidding
I procrastinate like no one else
I'm a dreamer, an idealist, illusionist
I have so many ideas and dreams
but it's like I'm cursed
I'm barely able to finish what I start
I move too fast and then I begin to mess up
like I'm a merry go round
spinning too fast but moving so slow like an orbit
Is that where I'm spinning
into nowhere?
I feel so heavy
a weighted boulder but so small, a pebble
am I just another pebble in the road
Jealousy and envy
why has that been my embodiment lately
My own diagnosis:
everyone is living the dream I've aspired to
I've spent my whole life
spent so much time since I was 12
enduring what would destroy most
enduring too much for one kid to take
I've spent my whole life since I was 12
writing, describing my despair
my rage, my insecurities, my thoughts
for 7 years now
7 years...
and I'm still undiscovered, still unknown
still unpublished
What good is being good at something
yet you're the only who acknowledges what you love
yet you despise every single word you wrote
What is wrong with me...
I'm an anomaly
a walking contradiction
I love the world, yet hate its contents
and I fear I'm taking on the poets' curse
like I've already entered the first phase
'Hate Everything'
but I've wrestled too much with myself
to hate, to hate everything
I just hate the way things have gone for me
I'm a nobody in a city I don't want to be in
I'm a nobody in the house I reside in
and the only person who paints me blue
calm as the water during sunset
is resting on the West Coast under the summer sun
somewhere in California where I have no money
and no way to be where she is
I'm in love, so in love
yet I feel but doubt she loves me too
It hurts so much I feel I could I cry
but the air is so dry
it might as well be sand running down my eyes
Let it fall
It feels like I'm sinking through quicksand anyway
Music seems like my only guide
I've turned my back on religion
what guidance can I get from a concept
that leaves me so confused
I feel like I'm imploding on the inside
like any minute
I'll become a shooting star
and break upon impact
And I think it's right to say
I've died so many times
nice to meet you
I'm the ghost formally known as Russell
see how my heads falls to my chest
since the light of day breaks my neck
The sun hates me and so does life
I try to do my best
try to gain some luck
but somehow I can't keep from getting stuck
I'm washed up and distraught
please me wring me out and bury me
Nevermind, I'll bury myself...
bury myself under my cover and say goodnight
Talk about how I've written 1354 memoirs of me
and I have nothing to show for it
If everything I hold in my hands is empty
what am I really doing this for...

Submitted: Saturday, June 07, 2014

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Topic(s): alone

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Poet's Notes about The Poem

6/7/14: Just needed to air out the space inside my head

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