A Beggar's Response To A Beggar's Plea Poem by Landrey

2: 02am February 25th,2008

Heidi, (no hiding no more)
you’ve forced my hand
you’ve broken me down.
down on my face and down for the count.
we both think we’re sneaky with technology tricks.
but something inside says it was only for kicks
that we hid from each other, and hid from the truth.
and while mentioning that, what is it anyway.

it’s the middle of the night, but by happenstance i “checked one more site”
the beginning of morning but i thought “i’ll read ‘dandelions’ once more”
and that’s where you mined. and that’s where i tripped it.
*explosion* all up in my face. what happened to arms? ?
no time now for words, oh beautifus eloquence.
you demand something more than what i’m hiding behind.
so as i type these, please see to my heart,
though convinced i’m a poet, you deserve the plain truth.

you’re right, i’m found out.
(oh Lord help me now…
i’ve attempted the reigns for the whole time till now
and i’m lost and scared because this is for real
and it’s not solely me scribbling words on a paper
it’s life and it’s? love? - is that what it’s called? ?
You’ve shown us the way, lead me, help me now)
so you’re right, all along
it was you and then her but then you always returned
to my mind because you...but wait, still be careful.
in time and good time.

(why can’t i say now what’s been so easy to say
why can’t i show you by living that way…
but i’ve tried and it failed...only confused you more
so here’s to honesty, faithfulness, truth and the rest)

ever since i WIShed and ever since hOPE
you’ve been right there with me.
(and, Lord, i admit. a distraction at times
but You’ve graciously used her
and more than she’ll know
despite the outcome)
you stand by me.
you do have me held.
and deep your eyes look.
you’ve shown me things far
and you’ve shown me things near
and you’ve shown me a world that is yet without Him.
i’m sleepless and i’m kudzu
and yes you’re the thought that has become my shadow.
the flurries don’t withstand what i have to say.
but what AM i saying? ? you know this already.
you said you hate it.
you hate what you love because it you think it’s not true.
keep thinking and praying...i’ve got news for you.
-(forgive the my chaotic brain) -

thank you for ranking truth over love, love’s worthless in lies. lies can be lived and lived out like love but with truth from Above love loses it’s game.

read it. please understand. i too speak in truth:
“i want what is best, what is right for you,
‘cause love is the what and you are the who.”
i’m giving up love because truth says “s not you.”
-i’m lost and decrepit, you don’t know me either
but here is my answer, the beginnings at least-


i’ve reasoned the same
and justified my game
i told them off too
with a laugh
with a grin.
i made it a joke
but only because
i didn’t know squat. about diddly.

i brought her in prayer
but in my farthest mind-corner
i’d never imagined her doing the same.

(probly about this here time i realized i was tangles stuck below her brush,
or that’s what i thought and You left me there. broken. forgotten. but You had a plan.)

it’s in utter disbelief that i read that You used me in her.
You showed her You loved her by bringing me back? ?
our God IS an awesome god He reigns. wisdom. power. love.

oh, precious gift, did i know what i held? ?
You let me take something so totally Yours? ?
her heart, it is Yours, and You gave it to mine? ?
You trust me. You love me. and i realized it not.

and in shame and in sackcloth i concur my crumpled cry:
“it’s hers but first Yours and surely not mine! !
how can i protect when i don’t know the line
do i keep do i lease do i return it to sender? ? ”
and still, i was dumb to the things You were doing.
self-centered and selfish i figured and thought it was me.
i thought, “He’s correcting and humbling my mind and my soul
and there she is, gorgeous, yet ignorant still
about all He is molding right here in my heart.”


[he doesn’t make it through
eyes lined, not with dew.
he releases and tries
but again go his eyes.
it’s true and he knows
that poems and prose
mislead and misguide
because of only one side.
ashamed, his excuse
for being so loose:
“i thought you didn’t care
i thought you didn’t dare”
i knew i was tall
i knew i was small
-my insignificance-
the key
to being free]
before i begin
i fall back down in:
i ask, “is there room for two? ? ”

your insecurities? ? i’ve mine! !
ugly. selfish. cruel. uncaring. insensitive.
that’s a ditto for me, for a soul saved by grace.
your love isn’t perfect. His love stands alone! !
you can’t love “just right.”
you can’t be unselfish.
(i don’t know what to say because i’m millions times worse and i’ve got as much Blood covering me. covering my desires. covering my thoughts. covering my eyes. covering my flesh. covering all.)
mom warned me about yuvn. their insecurities.
and the way you’ve misused them before you even realize.
He let me be selfish and think only of me.
and now i see that i have hurt you.
and nothing could hurt me worse.
you say you would hurt me. without looking back.
but even if i didn’t love you i still trust you. with what you call precious.
with what God has taken from me without me even knowing.
He gave it to you and said, “I see your self-esteem flux.
look to Me as your Rock. and here is a test.
your emotions are weightless as on a coaster.
now how do you handle My oblivious son? ? ”

you make me feel worse.
you call yourself cold.
and here i am! !
i’ve used you for warmth.
countless and again.
i’ve put you in poems
until you can always be
right there for me.
and then once for real
you gave me a blanket.
indians and thin,
but a blanket the same.
and then I felt cold.
boy, did i shiver.
soft gesture of kindness
showed my heart hardened fast.


ouch. my flesh is exposed.
i’m up against a wall and you’re waving at me
all the things that i’ve said though truthfully.
gentle? ? my desire is exposed.
i don’t think it changed. i still see us: waveland
we’re different and grown. but we still like: copeland
soar? ? my demand is exposed.
it’s like demanding the stars and the moon.
“rise! ! and just get it done soon! ! ”
ouch. my flesh is exposed.
i don’t know what you mean. i joke cuz’ i’m scared.
i’m lost because you did. and you dared.


with brown cake in my face
and a side hug in it’s place
i did glance away.
but i read you as indifferent.
i thought you simply weren’t grateful
because you just had you mouth full
(and you can’t smile without opening)

i thought your clock ticked for someone else
but you say i must know, that there is no one else.
and that terrifies me.
and that terrifies me.
i feel like Atlas with the weight of the world.
just dropped on my shoulders when
all that i bore was a “even now, it makes me laugh thinking about it.”
“help me study.” “i have a question” “what’s your opinion”
and yet slowly you lowered and lowered some more
your heart, gosh, so heavy, right down onto me.
you don’t tell me as i stumble around,
“just thought i would mention,
and oh, by the way,
the reason you’re stooped
and why you can’t stand
is because there is no one else
and i have more than some questions.”

and then you realize.
and then you hate yourself.
and call yourself names.
but listen to me.

i realize i’m worthless.
i realize i’m weak.
i realize i’m nothing like
the guy that you seek.

but i know some big Hands
and i know a big Heart
we’re snug in His palm
and safe in His will

i can’t hold you
your heart is too heavy
this boy longs to reach out
and take Atlas’ job

but you can’t do it either
you can’t let me try
you must give Him me
and i must give Him “we”.

whose is the future? ?
again and again i ask
and i wonder, as if i don’t know
and i wait, getting ready to go.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

six pages of words. p. h. is lucky.
six pages of me, floating in space.
in cyber-space, that’s where i am.
and i look for the dawn
and decide to skip class
overwhelmed by your words
so cloaked by your actions.

how badly do you hurt me? ?
-enough to send me running to Him when i read what i did.
but flip side, hopefully badly
-enough to send me running to Him when you left like you did.
([r] [e]? ?)

yes i know you don’t want to.
though you’ve not said it’s me
i know you love Him
and that’s more than enough
to sacrifice me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(what do i say? ?
“i’ll see you tomorrow! ! ”
how do i conclude? ?
“i’ll ttyl! ! ”

i’m a wuss and a weakling.
but call me too careful with your life! !
i’m slow and too hesitant.
but i’m bearing your heart! !)

this hundredth “poem” was eSPECIALly different.

but let’s talk about sitting in His hand...neglectful of cyber-space, please.

4: 19am February 25th,2008