A Place For Everyone, And Everyone In Their Place Poem by Bob and Alex Eichen

Dear Employee,
Thank you for using BFD Employee Assistance Program, the free confidential service provided by your employer as part of your employee benefit package. Our staff and consultants, consisting of counselors, behavioral specialists, work-life professionals, financial experts, attorneys, and health and wellness professionals, were happy to provide you with analysis, as per your request, in the physical, mental and psychological areas as they relate to your employment.
Results as follows:

1) Physical: Smoker. Drinker. Morbidly obese. Bad Knees. Bad back. Sleep apnea. Prognosis: Patient physically unable to meet job requirements within next 18 months.

2) Mental: Level of education, High School Graduate plus three credits college. Continuing Education Units earned while employed, forty eight out of possible two thousand eight hundred. CEU's last ten years, zero. Standard Rodgers/Thorndyke test results,55%, Estimated time until employee is technologically incapable of performing job,12 months.

3) Psychological: White Male. Over forty. Divorced three times. Currently single. Longest relationship, last five years, six months. No pets. Only child. Parents deceased. No religious affiliation. Spengler/Venkman Test indicates suicide 73% probable. Subject emotionaly unfit for employment within next 10 months.

Time until minimum age required to draw pension: 6 years 7 months.

Time until minimum time on job meets requirement for 100% retirement benefit: 9 years 4 months.

Recommendation to employer: TERMINATION.

Recommendation to employee: RESIGNATION.

Thank you for using BFD Employee Assistance.
An Equal Opportunity Employer
BFD is currently taking applications for the position of Janitor's Assistant.
Enclosed please find application for employment or apply online at BFD.com.