Alternative Royal Wedding Ode Poem by C Richard Miles

On April twenty-ninth, we blithely celebrate
The wedding of Kate Middleton and William,
The grandson of the Queen, son of Prince Charles, and late
Diana, whose own marriage might have seemed a sham.

Let’s hope the happy pair possess much better luck
Than did his father, pressed by protocol to wed
(Which deemed important that a virgin bride he took) :
He should have had Camilla first time round instead.

And what of Queens of England bearing first name Kate?
The first divorced, the next beheaded, and the last
Of Henry’s wives survived him, just to meet the fate,
Thrice widowed, killed by childbirth, so the die was cast.

The Kings named William also seemed doomed, of course:
The second, murdered on New Forest’s open plain,
The first and third were wounded fatally by horse,
The fourth died feeble, childless, doubtless racked with pain.

And Sailor Bill had umpteen ages long to wait
Till old age came before he could ascend the throne
And William of Orange lost his wife, her fate
To die of smallpox, leaving him bereft, alone.

Let’s hope this couple have much happier, longer lives
Than those unsettled days when war and conquest ruled
And kings had mistresses and weak, submissive wives
Would stay at home, cuckolded, shamed and fooled.

Let’s hope the weather forecast, cold and grim and grey,
After the glorious Easter we have all endured
Won’t throw a dampener on the Royal Wedding Day,
Unlike both Coronation, Jubilee, which poured.

And though his father, Charles, as heir has had to stay
As heir-apparent longer than all ancestors,
We hope he pops off soon so, not too aged and grey,
King William and Kate will come to reign for us.

The Queen may reach a hundred like her mother did,
King Charles may well be senile many years before
And, since Camilla’s older, are we wanting rid
Of geriatric royalty, who bleat and bore?

For do we want a monarch who is past his prime,
Too doddery to do his duty, far too old?
The case for abdication may have found it’s time,
So follow Holland’s way before Wills gets too bald!

Let’s hope this pair stay married while their lives shall last
Unlike his uncles, father, aunts, grandparents, mother, too,
Whose step-grandmother, Barbara Cartland, in the past
Would want a glad romantic ending, it is true.

And if the couple stay together like our reigning Queen
And poor Prince Phillip, nearly ninety, all their days
This marriage may be just as long as theirs has been
So, fingers crossed there's no divorce this nation prays!