Ashamed [new] Poem by Melanie Walendowsky Baker

I'm ashamed to admit
what I once had felt.
When I thought I could believe
in all that I'd feared.

I'd feared another heartache
and that was just what I got.
So I'd had reasons to fear, then
- had I not?

The heartache is there
in all the yesterdays
where all the yesteryears
meet for tea.

I've left it behind
there's no room for it here.
There's no room for you, either.
It turns out you're not all that
- not at all what I believed in.

And you decided to disappear
without word and cloaked in silence.
Well, goodnight to you then, kindest sir.
Thank you for proving me right
when I tried to prove myself wrong.

What words can I conjure
to convey the disappointment
that came so soon after
I hardly had words for wonder.

How unfair you have been
to misplace my allegiance.
To misplace all I gave you
when I was so reluctant
to do so in the first place.

I can't yet say
that it was all worth while.
Not yet, anyhow.
Maybe in a few months' time
- and I'll be able to laugh it off,
and say: I had a blast! - No matter how it ended.

But guess what?
To me the story IS how it ends.
And again, you gave me no chance
of a proper farewell.

You fooled me and
you fooled yourself.
We were both fools.
Yet how can I really blame you
for anything at all?
- When it all just comes down
to this simple fact:
I should have bloody well known better!

(Itajaí - 20 September,2010)