Being An Old Codger Poem by Dan Brown

Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
help me to the loo?
Put my underwear on for me,
And cook my dinner too.

Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
Please don’t hate me so.
I’m sorry to be a burden,
But I’ve grown old and slow

Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
I don’t mean to be a pain.
I’ve got an itch my hand won’t scratch,
And I need the loo again!

Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
I’m sorry to put on you.
But take me to the toilet please,
This time I need a poo!

Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
Can you pass my zimmer frame?
I like that more than my walking stick,
Though I can hit people all the same.

Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
I can’t hear what you said.
My hearing aid is broken Mary
And I want to go to bed.

Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
I need a bath, I smell.
And if my nose is as good as it used to be,
You need one as well!

Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
Why haven’t you done what I said?
You’re a terrible bloody carer Mary,
I’d be better looked-after dead.

Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
Didn’t care for this man since he’d changed.
So with gritted teeth, but a smile on her face,
She joked, ‘That could be arranged’.