Caleb Poem by Lesa MRK

Dearest Caleb,

Hi. I am your mommy.
I loved you SO much...
It hurt me so much,
When I lost you.
You were with me 13.5 weeks,
And during that time,
I dreamed incredible plans for us.
Now all my sweet dreams are gone,
Cause you are gone.

Now you will remain,
Just a tiny baby forever,
In my mind's image,
For you will never grow
As other children do.

I love you so much, Caleb...
I ache from missing you.
I wanted to hold you,
And love you and show you,
All the beautiful things in this world.
I wanted a chance to love you,
To laugh with you, to hold your tiny hand.

I've cried so many tears over losing you,
For you meant the world to me
And I needed you so much.
Again, I will have no baby to love,
When I thought that I would.
I believed it so strongly,
But all my ideals were shattered,
And since that day,
I have not been the same.

There is this aching void inside of me,
And my heart is crying out: : :
'I miss you, Caleb!
Why did you have to go?
Why did you leave me,
When I loved you so very much?
And why does it all have to end? ! '

I do not know the answers,
But I do know that you had no choice.
You had to die,
But I can make no sense of your death.
You were such such a special baby,
And I would have been a good mommy to you.

Caleb, I want you to know I will ALWAYS love you,
Forever I will carry you in my heart,
As I was unable to continue carrying you in my body...
And in my heart there will always be,
A tiny image of a baby boy,
My precious son....
A special part of me, always...

Goodbye, my baby boy.

(January 19,1998)