Chain Letter Poem by Patti Masterman

This chain letter knows your address
This chain letter knows how many friends you have
If you do not immediately forward this letter
To all 128 of your friends, something bad may happen
In fact, something bad is guaranteed to happen

This chain letter has weapons and viruses
This chain letter will cough right in your face
This chain letter will dance on your grave
The cemetery is full of tombstones that say
'Got a chain letter and ignored it'
This chain letter has incendiary devices

This chain letter is pure overkill
There are so many ways this chain letter could take you out
It would have trouble just making up its mind
Better get busy; go buy some stamps now
Get to work making some copies of this letter

This chain letter has pipe bombs
This chain letter has chemical weapons
This chain letter is aerosolized hate
This chain letter would kidnap your first-born
Make the Lindbergh baby look like a walk on a sunny beach

This chain letter knows all your secrets
The names of all your old lovers
And how you screwed your best friends fiance
And sent him a secret postcard on his honeymoon
This chain letter could name names

This chain letter knows how petty you are
This chain letter knows you always take the biggest cut
This chain letter knows you cashed in those CD's
This chain letter knows where you hid the gourmet chocolates
And that you drink alone

This chain letter knows about those hang up calls you made
We know you faked all those orgasms
And we know about those abortions
And the child that you've never even seen
And those DUI's; and the bribe money

You haven't been to confession in ages
And your mother died alone, not having seen you in 2 years
And you put her in that nursing home
The one that she always told you she hated-
And you felt no compunction at all, did you?
Just send the letters.
Do it now.