Chasing Constellations Poem by Andrus Cassian

I'm not a saint though I compel myself to be one
I'm not a sinner, no, yet I can't outrun the ideology
Ascending into descension or am I descending into ascension
Maybe I, maybe I am only stuck in the middle
It's only the beginning and I'm still stuck
because with these words I just don't measure up
so I switch subjects now, say what's on my mind
but I can't find my breath so I just say the rest with no sound
I'm in love with a girl I can't have
'Roses are dead, violets need a new hue
stab me in the back, just don't kill me too'
If blue is the warmest color
why mix it with purple to symbolize pain
I've got bruises and scars from boxing
with, well, myself
struggling to find some way, to find the courage to say this
I guess I lost, no I guess I won
I don't know but it cannot be undone
We met three years ago, unknown
but it didn't stop me from giving her a piece of my heart
thinking in a sense
she would always be mine mysteriously
We had this unspoken chemistry, this unspoken confirmation
we were meant to be in love, just not meant to be together
but it's like I went back in time
to deliver her the other half of my heart
to rewrite what we both thought true
It's like I went back in time
to change a piece to half of my heart
so she can know what I feel
Then the question arises
'If it's an unspoken confirmation, an unspoken contract
an unspoken day etched in a sunset
entwined in a light sprinkle of raindrops
why do you speak of it now'
Because for days, it's all I think about
for days I just crave to see her face
Why do I speak of something left unspoken
I had to let it out before I go crazy
Why do I speak what's left unspoken
to see if she feels the same way too
or if this is just a one sided affliction
to see if this is talking through my heart or another body part
Where there's gold, there's a gold digger
but she's a diamond pearl lost in the jaws of sharks
who try to keep her to themselves
and I, the lonely diver to try and set free
what doesn't wish to leave
as the ocean floor opens its arms for my breathless arrival
for she steals my breath through a passionate time travel kiss
leaving me looking like a 5 year old stranded in candy heaven
I miss her
She gives me every reason to chase the constellations to be with her
mistaking excitement for shyness
as I grow silent to stare within her emerald garden
for nothing in my life can own up to that 30 second moment
though in contrast she gives me reason
to try and punch my way through the center of the Earth in frustration
disintegrate before I break through the crust
The good book says I'm weak
I just believed I was unlucky that's all
The good book says I'm weak
maybe I'm just human after all
The good book says I'm weak
maybe that's true after all
for I chase the constellations
with a dead rose, a purple violet, and a dagger in my back
in the name of a girl I lust for with love I cannot have
I chase the constellations for the girl I'm meant to love
but never meant to have all to myself
the story of a breathless diver and an elusive diamond pearl
The good book says I'm weak
but I'll chase constellations till I'm blue in the face