Cricket! Poem by David Lewis Paget

I rose in the dark, felt my way through the room,
We have no en-suite so I groped in the gloom,
The bladder is dicky at my time of life
So I tried to get out without waking the wife.

But outside the door stood a figure I knew
From the Halloween Party the wife had been to,
A monkey, who stood like a simian guard
Holding something quite furry, and rigid and hard!

I said, 'Step aside! I must get to the loo
Or there may be an accident, all over you! '
So he did, with a grunt, and I staggered away
Down the hall to the loo, at the break of the day.

But when I returned he had quite disappeared
And I entered the bedroom to see what I feared,
For there on the bed causing all sorts of strife
He was up to his armpits in Molly, my wife!

I called out - 'Old chap! Now that's not really nice
Coming in from the jungle and bonking my wife! '
He just went on grunting and humping away
As my wife lay there snoring, ignoring the day.

'I know what your name is! ' I said, 'Ken de Groot!
I was there, watched you hiring that old monkey suit!
You're from the same club, you're a first order bat
But I don't think it's cricket what you're playing at! '

The wife kept on snoring, I thought it was strange
With her legs round his neck, like some act, pre-arranged,
But I didn't dare wake her, she might have a fit
If she woke to a monkey just doing his bit!

He got up and left, I was sadly distressed
Though I tried not to show it, she woke up and dressed.
'Is there anything wrong my sweet possum? ' I said,
'Nothing dear... but I dreamt of a monkey in bed! '

The following morning it happened again,
I rushed to the loo as the monkey went in,
I tore off his mask; not de Groot - Eddie Burns!
It seems the whole Cricket Club takes it in turns!

Then day after day it was more like a zoo,
Not just monkeys, but rhino's, and elephants too,
They start before dawn and they line up three deep
While my neighbour's say: 'How d'you expect us to sleep? '

While Molly still slumbers away every morn,
The rhino turns up once a week with his horn,
I knew when I met her she'd always kept pets,
But now she gets checked every week at the vets!

So bowing to fate, I threw open the door
The Cricket Club loves dressing up, I keep score.
I stand by the door - not to watch what they did
But to bolster my pension each day - fifty quid!

5 December 2009