David And A-Rod Poem by gershon hepner

David, who was highly sexed,
sent Bathsheba sexy text
messages before they screwed.
Upset, declaring, “I’ve been jewed! ”
her Hittite husband told the king:
“Don’t worry, you can have your fling,
so long as I can have the female
back.” So David sent an e-mail
that ended poor Uriah’s life,
and told Bathsheba: “Be my wife.”

Sex-texting is a bonhomie
deplored by Deuteronomy,
and e-mail sex, says Samuel,
is wrong, and may well damn you all,
as it damned David, but A-Rod
has dispensations not from God,
but from the right hand of His Honor,
Kabbalah Center queen, Madonna.

Don’t use a cellphone or computer
for assignations. Snail mail’s cuter
than any cyber-type device,
and once the mailman has knocked twice,
you’ll find that if you write a letter
your sex life will be slow, but better.

Just met? Hardly. New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez was smitten with Madonna six months ago when he was exchanging text messages with her while dining with a friend in Miami. 'He kept smiling, acting as if he was a little kid, ' the dinner companion tells Us Weekly in its latest issue, on newsstands now. 'He told me it was Madonna, ' A-Rod's friend says. 'I was shocked.' The highest-paid player in baseball then 'proceeded to say he was in love with her, ' the pal tells Us. 'I thought he was kidding, but he wasn't.' By February, the 32-year-old slugger had upped the ante. 'He said, 'She's my f-king soulmate, dude, '' the friend tells Us. On Monday, A-Rod's wife of nearly five years Cynthia – who gave birth to the couple's second child in April – filed for divorce six days after Us Weekly broke the news that her husband was making late night visits to Madonna’s apartment. So was it an affair? 'Without talking about specifics of sexual conduct, there's no question, ' her attorney, Earle Lilly, tells Us. 'No one very often has pictures of the actual sex itself.' While Madonna,49 – who put on a show of unity with husband Guy Ritchie last week – has denied a relationship with A-Rod, Us Weekly reports all signs say otherwise. A-Rod hasn't even seen his newborn daughter Ella 'more than once, ' her attorney adds.In fact, 'literally 10 minutes' after the birth of Ella in Miami, he was flying to NYC to see Madonna, a source tells Us.


7/9/08