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CarolAnne Spalding

(January 1,1972 / Toronto, Ontario)

Empty Room...Empty Heart


My Motherly instincts must have kicked in
It's the only plausible reason to explain
how I watched her leave without falling apart

I wanted her to feel empowered in her decision
And to know my love for her and her happiness
Mattered the most; not the effect her decision had on me
I wanted her to be confident and proud …
Not guilty

That's what it's about, isn't it?
Putting her happiness before mine even if it tears me to pieces?
Maintaining the appearance of normality rather than overtly
Expressing my sadness?
Believing that every adventure she explores
Is the focus not the tears that I cry?

But as soon as I shut the door
After she smiled a goodbye
I slid down the door, my back leaning on it for support
As I lowered myself into a crouching position
Almost trying to gain balance and leverage

While feeling as though the ground opened up
and I was swallowed whole
I crouched on the floor against the solid wood divider
The divider that I shall never forgive
for if now separated me from a tremendously large part of my life
… My baby girl

And I began to sob
I stayed strong for her
Told her this was always her home and she was welcome anytime
… We didn't need a legal document to stipulate that reality

And as she handed me her keys …
I told her to keep them because they belonged to her
But truthfully? Those keys represented the keys to my heart
So I couldn't accept them

She holds the key to my heart, now, just as much as she did
When they placed this screaming baby on my chest at 2: 20am
On the day she was born

In her absence, I cry uncontrollable tears
In her absence, why should I bother trying to control them?
She's gone …
Her room holds none of her belongings
… It's bare, empty
And so is my heart, a huge part of my life

Have you ever cried so much, so hard, so uncontrollably
That you fight for your next breath?
But then you question if it's even worth the fight
After all, what am I fighting for?

She's gone





2010

Submitted: Monday, March 18, 2013
Edited: Tuesday, March 19, 2013

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