Fantasizing Poem by C.R. Ebowski

This is a dark fantasy - please may it remain a fantasy...sometimes, with certain people who carry around such thoughts, they act on them. So please beware of the seriousness of this poem. I, personally, had to identify the body of a friend who took his own young life, and it was a chilling experience. He left a wife and four small children. Suicide is a subject I know something about. My best friend is a paranoid schizophrenic but is stablized on Zyprexa. She changed to another medication, Seroquel because an ignorant doctor told her she could lost weight on thihs particular medication. Her favourite dog died, another had to go because he barked a great deal...then she had other stressors. Only last week, her thoughts were telling her to get into the bath tub and slash her wrists; another voice said 'if you take your life, the dreadful things going on in the world will stop.' Altruistic suicide is common. The person truly believes his distorted reality due to an imbalance of brain chemistry; and those left behind are devastated. She sat on her balcony and had a hallucination of three people dressed in robes, very tall; they were white robes then they turned blue, she said. She was convinced one of them was the Virgin Mary telling her that she wanted her to take two bottles of Atavan (90 in each bottle) , so she did. Fortunately, her boyfriend discovered her semi-comatose and kept shaking her every five minutes for a whole day and night...she almost died. She is my best friend. It would have been a terrible tragedy over which she had no control. She is now returning to Zyprexa. I must read your other poems...believe me, clearing up blood spatters is not an enviable job. Can you fantasize on something more positive?

Too close to home for me....I have a gun but I don't look down the barrel unless I am aiming at something other than my own head....I might be tempted. I am an old man...you still have so much to see before you paint any walls.

This hurts my heart.. happiness will be yours and it will not be found in death. you are so strong. i admire you and love reading your poetry.