Font Color='#880000'To Where I May Not Lay/Font Poem by David Zvekic

I must learn how to spell metaphor.

You have some great comments and advice Max. I'll try to respond. 1. I hadn't realized I've spelled 'hers' the wrong way. But you are right. There is no apostrophe. 2. the second line means that the speakers hands will not be used to change the wind from what the wind is destined to be. literally.. to force the 2nd person to change herself for the speaker's benefit. And more obscurely, but also literally, to force the 2nd person to leave the person she is now with and go back to the speaker. 3. you've convinced me that 'so' defend is slightly better than 'try' defend. I has originally used 'so' in an earlier revision and changed it to 'try' in heighten the narrative, but it is less grammatical, and accoustically less pleasing. So.. it is back to so. 4. I think the word 'lay' sounds better with 'may'. It is grammatically correct in so far as it is the transitive form of the verb 'to lie'. So you can say 'lay yourself down' or 'lie down'. However I don't like even a subliminal hint that the speaker is being sent to a place where he can not speak a falsehood until he dies. Because the speaker would not tell a falsehood. 'lay' removes that connotation. lay also has sexual connotations which are intentional. as well as giving up: 'lay down your arms'. This poem is ultimately about another another person the speaker can not have. the intention that 'where I may not lay' is suggestive of 'in her arms' but also suggestive of 'where I may not give up the struggle' 5. If something more modern than 'struggle nothing' occurs to me I will revise the poem. But the meaning is very important. I want to say 'I WILL struggle'. I dont want to say 'I wont struggle'. 'struggle nothing' does imply a positive struggle. I want to say 'I will really really struggle to hold on'. The sentence currently starts with 'Alone, I'll struggle'.. (an earlier revision said 'aloft') ... I want to carry the image of struggling to hang on and nothing else. occasionally I know that strange grammer draws the reader into the poem more.. so... I agree with your comment. but I'll only change it if something really special dawns upon me. 6. The one the speaker loves HAD broken wings but no more. She learned how to fly. (and so taught the speaker) . But it was not literally upon 'her love'. It was upon 'love as/like hers'.. it was upon 'unconditional love'. The couplet is to suggest that the speakers sky(metaphore for life) is now filled with unconditional love. his own true love for the bird, but as well the unconditional love she showed for him. I like your idea of 'upon'. And tried it out.. but I realized that 'Upon her love - the wind that fills my sky'. merely suggests the birds love without necessarily exhalting that love. 'love as hers' suggests her love is peculiar in some way. (it is peculiar: it is unconditional love) . The bird taught the speaker how to fly, because the bird had a broken wing (obvious metaphore for some traumatic personal experience) but flew on the power of unconditional love. I think you understood the wind metaphore.. Flight is a metaphore for 'living a happy life'. I didn't want to talk about the birds broken wing too much, because the poem is really about the speaker's discovery that even the impossible is possible when love is unconditional. the impossibility being 'happiness without ever again laying in the arms of the one the speaker truly loves'. (or leaves once fallen ever again being part of a tree)

I like the feeling I get, when I read your poem. Thanks for sharing. With Respect, Jodilee

I love reading sonnets, David, and I feel you've 'caught the wind in your sails' in this one. Some of the metaphors are really memorable for me. I like the first line *very* much, and I think the overriding one of the wind and sky and bird, works well. I think this has the potential to be magnificent, so I'm offering the critique below, 'take what you need': Take the apostraphe out of 'her's'; '2nd line is a trifle obscure for me though I THINK I 'get it'; I find 'try defend' awkward, might 'so defend' work? ; 'lay' sounds awkward to me, a grammar site could tell you 'lay' or 'lie' (you may be right, though): 'struggle nothing', I get what you mean, but can you make the line more graceful? In the last couplet, I love the 'bird with broken wings', and the whole sentiment. It took me a moment, though, to realize that the one you love IS the 'bird with broken wings', because you hadn't previously established SHE had broken wings. You might say 'That bird with broken wings taught me to fly/Upon her love-the wind that fills my sky. I still think it would be best if you dropped at least a clue about HER broken wings somewhere earlier, to pick up on. Well...I think it's a powerful sonnet, and the form is PERFECT for your subject matter.