Frozen Assets Poem by John Knight

My first fridge-freezer was a major asset
The best contraption I had ever copped
All the fruit and veg from my allotment
Was peeled and blanched and in the freezer popped

I could buy a lamb a pig or side of bufflo
Cut them up and stick them in the freezer
And It mattered not that all my sprouts had sprouted on the spot
I just popped them in - was 'The Freezer Geezer'.

I bought a big chest freezer to cope with all my food
And then a lovely lady caught my eye
I didn't was to freeze her - my object was to squeeze her
And she loved the frozen food I loved to buy!

We were married in the snow - one cold December
And she moved into my dwelling 'House of Chill'
She even brought two large chest freezers with her
Which with forzen food we soon aspired to fill!

My wife had a degree in 'Food Protection'
And she loved to cook to keep us both alive
But she really was a stickler for 'Food Hygiene'
And kept everything at MINUS twenty-five!

For things you cook to make a yummy dinner
Being frozen is no problem for the cook
For when you biol or fry - or ovenbake a pie
The freezer is the place for food you'll look.

But Pauline was anathema to microbes
And every piece of food was frozen solid
Frozen milk and frozen beer and frozen olive oil
I was losing weight - my future looked quite squalid.

With all good things in life - a house a car a wife
Obsession turns Val Hallah to Gehennah
Our freezers numbered five - just to stay alive? ? ? ? ?
If you want one you can have it for a tenner!

If I wanted bread and jam - or a nice thick slice of ham
I'd have to wait until it was unfrozen
No simple cup oof tea - the milk was solid - see
I began to wish Miss Burger King I'd chosen!

She even froze my clothes my CD's and my books
And any place bacteria could lurk
She even froze the cat for peeing on the mat
It was too late when I got home form work!

This week the big chest freezer we're defrosting
It really big enough to hide inside
So when she turns her back - I'll give Pauline a wack
Then I'll slice her up and pop the bits inside!

And now - the lovely wife I've chosen
Is deeply loved and deeply frozen!
And though she might be very cold
I know that she will not grow old!

(John Knight - Colchester - October 2009)