Guilt Poem by Alex Gomez

November 12,1992

Oh, what a glorious day this is;
My first child in ten years was
Born today.

I had forgotten what this
Feels like.

This is absolute love, I know.

I would do anything for this child,
I love him more than anything.

November 12,1993

It’s been a year since that
Magical day, and my
Boy has grown up
So fast!

He’s such a wise soul in such a
Young man’s body.

He’s healthy and beautiful and has
Brought nothing but joy in my life,
Even though his Father screwed
Everything up for himself.

I don’t really want to have anything to do with him,
Yet our son needs to know he has a dad.

But I digress;
Today, we’re throwing him the
Greatest birthday party imaginable
And I’m sure he’s going to be so
Happy and vibrant.
I hope he is.

I’d do anything for him.

September 30,1996

Oh boy, I’ve gotten myself in a rut.
I’m pretty sure our home is going to get
Foreclosed on.

I don’t want to raise this boy as well as
His older brother without this house.

My little baby has been
A good sport about all of this.

He really doesn’t deserve
What hardships we go through,
Especially me.

I’m not feeling so good,
And all this stress has
Turned me to do,
Well, not good things.

It’s really hard to admit it,
Even to myself.

September 15,1997

Today, I gave birth to another
Baby boy.

Nothing about this has gone so smoothly.

I don’t really think having
This child was the best idea,
Considering the abuse to my
Body with substances.

I may have damaged my
Little boy, and I don’t know
If I could live with that.

October 7,1997

We’re home from the hospital,
Finally.

Our little boy may have
Some mental handicaps,
And I know this is all
My fault.

Still, this little boy is
My little boy, so
I’ll take care of him
No matter what.

It just hurts so much
To see my baby going through
Drug withdraws.

July 13,2000

I haven’t had the courage to
Face myself in writing in
Such a long time,
But I’ve cleared away some
Demons from my life.

My boy is leaving for college
Soon, so it’ll be just my
Two little ones and I
With my boyfriend.

He’s not great, but
He’s the father of my
Youngest child,
And he helps me get by
In life.

I swear, we’re going to move into a better
House and I’m going to turn our lives around,
Even though it’s getting harder and harder
For me to work as time passes by.

It would be easier if this
Pain would go away.

June 4,2003

As hard as it is for the family,
I’m moving our little unit out
Of Chicago.

The weather is becoming difficult
To bear.

Really, though, my demons keep
Returning to my mind.

I need to get out of that
Rat Race.

We’re going to Orlando!
It’s my dream city and
I really hope we’ll all
Finally be happy.

My second youngest
Is still so very happy,
I don’t think he’s aware
Of what we’ve been through,
And I’m so glad.

My youngest hasn’t been able to talk
Or walk, so his mental handicap
Has had a real effect on him.

My love will comfort both of them,
Though. I hope.
I would do anything for them.

August 14,2004

We have to move from Orlando today,
And quick!

Hurricanes have been ravaging us.

Honestly, this is only an impetus
For us to leave now;
Orlando is far from the dream city
I was hoping to live in.

I feel really bad because my
Family was just getting adjusted.

January 13,2005

I’ve been really sick for a while,
But I’ve just worked through it,
Just like everyone else.

But after my last incident a few days ago,
My doctor told me I only had a year or so
To live.

I wanted to blame God,
I wanted to blame the world,
But I know better;
I can only blame myself.

The lifestyle I’ve chosen,
The unhealthy diet even with
A family history of problems,
The smoking I’ve continued,
The drug abuse,
The constant work to keep my family
Safe and healthy, all of it.

I have, in essence, killed myself.

February 13,2005

I refuse to let death affect who I am.

I am not down and out just yet,
So I’m going to pull through all of this,
As much as I can.

My family will know that
I love them and always will.

Do I have to shelter my boys?
Maybe a bit, but they will
Know I love them tremendously.

I would do anything for them.

July 17,2007

I haven’t been feeling too good, lately.

I suppose that’s to be expected,
Considering I was supposed to
Die about half a year ago

Still, I’ve kept a smile on my face
And have done nothing but love and
Reconcile with those I care about,
Especially my two young boys,
14 and 9 years old, respectively.

We just had a week’s vacation in Chicago,
And boy it was wonderful!

I almost forgot what luster the city
Has during the summer, but I know
That it’s only a mask for the pain that
Lies beneath the surface of the magnificent
Skyline.

It was an action packed vacation, and it actually
Started to hurt for a while, but I pushed through and
Had so much fun.

You know, I’m feeling really bad right now,
Actually.

I think I’m going to stop writing this.

August 2,2007

I went to the hospital soon after writing
My last entry.

I’m so glad my boys were back
In Chicago. I wouldn’t want them to
See me like this.

My body is starting to fail me,
And I hate it.

I don’t really want company anymore,
For I feel very miserable, and I don’t want
Anyone to know I was miserable.

I want to stay locked in my room
Until I die if I continue to feel like this.

I just don’t have the strength anymore.
I don’t know how long I can last.

February 17,2008

Well hey, I made it this far.

My daughter visited me today with
Her boyfriend.
He’s a nice guy and I’m really glad she’s
With him.

My son said something pretty vile today,
But he is a fifteen year old teenager, so I
Forgave him. He apologized to me,
Anyway, which is really sweet of him.

I pulled the strength tonight to
Walk out into the living room
To jam with my family to
Oldies on a record player.

I had so much fun.
I haven’t had fun like this in a long time.

Still, I’m feeling so bad right now.

I think I’m going to ask that I get taken away in an ambulance.

I think this is it for me.

My boys, fifteen and nine, they don’t deserve this.
They don’t deserve a mother that chose this life,
Who killed herself and left them alone.

The agony has been wearing me down, though,
And I just can’t live anymore.

I know my health has been eating me from the outside,
But this guilt has been eating me from the inside
And has ironically lead to my death quicker.

Go figure.

If anyone reads this, please tell my boys that
I’m sorry.

I always loved them and they didn’t deserve this.
Tell them it wasn’t their fault,
This was all my fault.

Tell them,
I’d do anything for them.