Haze Poem by Laura Kiernan

To live in the haze of a permanent depression
Is also to live in the haze of lies
Because when I hold down a job, it's just for the money
Not for the satisfaction it gives me
When someone found all their groceries just fine
And is having a nice day
Even if I lead them to believe that's the case

I'd rather work somewhere else

And I stay in school just to get a degree
Not because I give a second's care about writing papers
Or job opportunities that will likely not open up
Because I'm majoring in English Literature
But I can write on my own time

I wish I could invent a time machine
And go back to before the whites came to this country
And live with the people of my father
(No offense to my mother, but the French don't interest me)
And not be judged for worshipping the earth
Because nowadays that makes you a hippie
Or a tree-hugger
Or a liberal Democrat
Which, okay, I am
But that doesn't mean that worshipping the earth is any less valid
Than worshipping the Creator
By whatever name you call him
And I'd use my time machine to change history
So when Columbus and his men got here
We'd scare them so bad they'd never come back

And then we'd get to keep our land
And we wouldn't get shoved to little patches of flat swamp
Or starved desert
Or tick-ridden forests
That the white people didn't want
And yes, I'm half-white
So yes, everything I'm saying is hypocritical
But as much as I love and respect and adore my mother
I blame her for putting the white in me
Which is the only barrier that keeps me from my true roots
Or what I feel are my true roots

And I blame my father for marrying a white woman
And for not having stronger genes
Because I look so much like her
I get called 'Snow White' every day
Because of my black-black eyes
And my black-black hair
And my mother's white skin and pink cheeks
And I hate it
So I dye my hair bright blue like the sky
And I lie in the sun for hours at a time to try and burn the white away
But all I turn is red
And then I get called 'Redskin'
By my friends who think it's funny

And I wish I didn't have to work
Or study
So I could just move to the middle of nowhere
And pitch a tent in the desert
And worship the earth

But this is America
And you're not allowed to do that
Because only outsiders worship nature
And only hippies and rednecks go camping
And the Grand Canyon isn't so grand anymore
Not with all the tourists
And that damn glass skywalk that I hate
Because it's turning one of Nature's most glorious works of art
Into a glass-bottom boat
You know, the kind that gets fish caught in the motor

So to live my life
Is to live in a haze of permanent depression
Which I let out a little at a time
By peeling off my sunburn to reveal new layers of skin
And maybe if I peel enough layers away
I'll turn brown
And maybe if I let my hair go back to that inky black
It'll match the rest of me
And maybe if I stop wearing my big green glasses
My eyes will reflect all the beauty of the earth
And people will see me for who I really am
And that is someone who was here before they were

I'd rather work somewhere else
I'd rather dropp out of school
But only the prospect of disappointing others stops me
So I work
And I study
And I pay my student loans
And I dye my hair blue
And I wear green glasses
And I burn my skin

And I worship the earth
In secret.