I’m Trying, I Promise. Poem by Clara Potter Soloman

I’m trying, I promise.

I sit here day after day hoping to hear from you.
A call.
A text.
A visit.
Anything to let me know you still love me.

I need to talk to you about something.
I am really dreading saying it to you.
I don’t want to tell you about this thing that scares me so much.

Not being able to talk about it is really hard.
But then again every time the thought arises,
Tears threaten to spill from my eyes
Sobs threaten to choke me to death,
Cutting off my air supply.

I am hoping that the sight of you will ease the pain.
Or maybe it will just intensify it.
Maybe your soothing voice will stop the tears.

I only wish I could just not tell you until it happens.
I know that wouldn’t be fair to you.
It’s already bad enough I’ve chosen to keep the rest of my friends in the dark.

It’s just too hard to face for me.
I’m weak.
I need you to replenish my supply of strength.
Without your presence for so long I am getting weaker and weaker.
Not physically but emotionally.

On top of missing you so much now,
I am already focused on how much I will miss you when I’m gone.
This doubles the pain I’m in.

I try to pretend like it’s okay that you’re gone most of the time.
I try to pretend like the empty promises made by you and your family don’t hurt me.
I try to pretend that everything will be okay when I leave.
I’m not a very good actress.
You know this.
And so does everyone else.

But I have to keep trying.
Even though sometimes I want to just stop what I’m doing and cry,
Even though I want to just be depressed about it all,
I can’t give in to the temptations.

So I try to avoid the topic of you,
The topic of the summer to come,
And any other upsetting topics.

I am mostly successful,
But even just hearing these topics discussed,
Tears my heart apart.

I pray that talking to you about it
Might stop the dreadful ache deep in my heart.

I’m trying, I promise.