If You Don'T Use It, You Lose It Poem by gina prettybrowneyes

Here, I feel I am pretending to be somebody I’m not
(Faking my way through friendships and lovers)
I do not say what I would like to say
(I am twisting myself into these cramped tight spaces called “cliques”
And “stereotypes”)
I do not act how I would like to act
(Out of fear, I conform, not wanting to be the one, the only one, who is “Different”)
There is not one rhythm here that beats in time with my heart
(My wishes are alone)
There is not one laugh here that echoes my own joy
(My happiness is alone)

Everyday I wake up and put on my mask
(I am losing myself)
“If you don’t use it, you lose it”
(I am losing myself)

And it makes me so mad because I’ve once known contentment
And once you’ve seen the light
It’s that much harder to go back into the darkness
I know what it is like to be able to BE.
I knew a sanctuary and I left it (I was forced to)
I knew kindred spirits and I left them (I did not want to)

Once a year I go back and I feel and I talk and I
Dance
To my own melody that miraculously harmonizes with their melodies
(Until I come back here,
Among the frequent twanging and out of tune notes
That my pretty melody becomes)

Is it too much to ask to just BE?