In Thought Poem by Izik Alcox

Is it my reluctance to ignore my friends that annoys them
is it my laziness or my procrastinator ways
Buried under the weight of everyone else, trying to balance their lives
maybe I should forget them, but that wouldn't be in my character
maybe that's what I need though
Maybe my love was tainted a long time ago by my parents
Did they affect me without me even knowing, Ahhhh, why...
I try so hard to just be rejected, but seemingly I can't escape
Do I have to ignore them or beat them, abuse them or something else
Is my rainbow black and void of color
I'm just destined to be a friend, a loner who won't mind
but it can't be, I don't want a loveless life
I want to be the man who makes his wife happier than the world itself
The beavers are working on my heart, but I don't know if I want them there
to shut out memories, is that justifiable or just selfish
I want my sunshine back
I feel horrible acting depressed around others,
but I haven't the choice right now
Sobriety screams at me while the drugs scream back
my friends are without understanding
Am i nothing more than a weed full of bad advice and short on beauty
Will time heal this or will she, hopefully one or the other
Is it wrong to yearn for death the way I do
she was that wall, do I have to tear it down
just to rebuild it with someone else
do I want that
I'd probably just have to tear it down again
I try to be strong sometime and I don't know why,
I try really hard but maybe that's the problem
I try so hard, they get use to it,
and when I can't try anymore for a day or so
they realize how cold I can seem
Is it for pity or for revenge that you hurt me
Should I show my feelings or just hide them
Why am I the way I am, how can my mood change so often
Why do I act how I feel around others
I still don't understand that,
I know I can fake it have been most of my life, but I'm tired of faking
Should I just adopt a child and never give type of love away again
Inside out backwards, begging for nothing at all but still begging
Be strong you, strong
disobey the urge to ignore what your hearing
speak through your mind not your mouth