Inner Transference(A Woman's Thoughts Before Deciding On Divorce) Poem by nadia abduljabbar

Transformed was I,
An innocent caterpillar,
By your lies and deceit,
To a different soul,
To a strange butterfly,
Who desires not,
To see a friend
Who wants not,
A laugh to hear,
A joke to strike the ear,
A tear to seal on
The withered cheeks;
A tear that might cure
What hurt emotions devour.
……
At last my reason could conquer,
What kept my heart in wonder,
And collect my shattered power,
To dismiss your shaken picture-
Once was semi sacred,
But is no more-
It is out of my mind
That is stricken by anger,
Out of my dizzy thoughts
That were once fluent,
But began to stammer
In your impassive presence,
They awake like winter,
And sound like thunder,
And rain like our sky
In November.
……
Now I see you, but
See you not;
You are not there,
You are lost somewhere,
Out side my heart,
Out side my brain,
And hear you, but
Your voice rings,
My hearing not,
And your sharp doings
That drove me insane,
Have lost their effect,
Whether good or bad, I
Hold for them no respect,
I care for them no more,
And I stand not as before,
Facing you in wonder,
At the serpent hidden under
The petals of the flower;
That used to look
Full of the milk
Of human kindness,
Who could make
My rose; my heart,
Fall sick;
And destroy it at last
By love and hate,
Who is ready to sting
Its loyal mate,
The moment she dares to say
No, or refuses to plunge,
In to unjust ordeal,
And wait I for the sting,
That lost its power,
And affects not,
A transformed heart.
……
Yet closed are my eyes,
Hands on my ears,
In a sad trembling voice,
I wonder is your sting
Far or near
Hath come the time,
Of its advent?


Florida, summer 1991