Jack And The Beanstalk Gets The Chop Poem by noel maddock

Having issues with Jack
He was a greedy little gombeen when all is said and done
I mean, how many golden eggs does one guy need to feed himself and his mum
“Then out of the castle with the sacks of gold he ran”
A young garsún, ten if he’s a day, running and climbing down a beanstalk with sacks of gold in his hands!
Are ye havin’ me on?
Doesn’t sound like a very well thought out plan

And then, giant land, a place excelling in hiding place deployment
Where, apparently, there’s one hundred percent employment
He, with zero qualifications, gets a job cleaning fires and chicken runs, washing clothes, chasing mice and darning socks
It’s ridiculocks!
If he had worked that hard in the first place, they might have been better off
Instead of climbing dodgy stalks

Then there’s an intellectually challenged giantess missus
Never cops that he’s dyeing his tresses
Don’t mention the magic harp that couldn’t keep its mouth shut
More scuttlebutt
Tut tut
I mean, the list goes on
Hundreds of plot damnations, circumnavigations
How could the roots of a beanstalk that big
Not wreak havoc on the humble cottage foundations?
And fee, fi, fo, fum
Does not rhyme with Englishman
It should be fee, fi, fo, fam
Goddam!