Journal #1 Poem by Daniela X. Daraz

My gut is wrenching.
I sit alone and I can see myself going crazy.
Throwing things.
Screaming at the ceiling.
Breaking anything in my reach.

My self control is wearing thin.
My heart yearns for this pleasure,
Of destruction and self release.
Yet my Release is limited.
I can not be pleased.

They say not to bottle up your feelings.
I sort of understand what they mean.
But it can't be emotion that I feel,
For I am empty and lonely.
A Pain that is so real to me.

I know it's not depression.
How can it be when I can laugh?
My family worries for my sake.
But I reassure them with a smile and a laugh.
Yet they can not shake this fear on my behalf.

The truth is,
I'm to much a coward to ever kill myself.
To ever end my own life.
I feel there is much more for me too do,
Then end this world with a knife.

But all I ever really wanted was to leave my mark.
To be remembered at day's end.
For memories of good times shared,
Remembered at my spoken end.
Never to be lost or forgotten.

I know I want to talk about it,
But I can't bear to share this burden.
Or the thought of letting go,
Any walls or self-conflicts.
Never wanting to be understood.

I feel it will be used against me;
My feelings and worries.
Weaknesses I've been taught to keep.
For feelings are weaknesses,
and weaknesses may be used at your destruction.

I've Always been the strong one.
The one most look to for strength.
No matter what situation,
I can stand for others who can't stand straight.
Head held high I show to others,
A strength that hides my pain.