Judgement Poem by roy may

'Stand up straight' yelled the judge 'Tell the court how you plead' he enquired of the young man accused
'You are here to be tried of a heinous crime so why are you looking amused'.
'Not Guilty! M’laud' Replied the accused 'And I’ll tell you what’s making me smile
I was looking at that thing you’ve got on your head, I’ve seen nothing like that for a while'

'Now listen young man' Roared the judge in a rage, 'Those remarks do not make you look big
You are here on trial, you are not here to smile, or to try to make fun of my wig.'
'That can’t be a wig replied the accused you wouldn’t wear that when you go out.
It’s not even a hat it’s like a dead cat on which hungry moths had a blow out.

It’s all over the place, it’s a downright disgrace, I very much doubt if its legal,
Those long floppy bits hanging down on each side remind me of my aunts pet beagle.
Honest M’laud I’m not winding you up I am trying to help you see sense
If you think I’m kidding just to get laughs, why don’t you ask the Defence'?

The Defence Council rose blowing his nose and hiding his smile with a hankey
'From the view over here it’s perfectly clear that it makes you look like Widow Twanky.
However M’laud might I suggest a method to placate your fury.
A definitive verdict on your iffy wig may be had by consulting the jury'

'Well' said the judge to the head juryman 'Don’t you think that this new wig looks dapper'?
'For the jury I speak, we think you’ve got a cheek, to come here with that on your napper.
Your robes it would seem are a stranger to Surf and what about those baggy tights.
Your an utter disgrace, you can’t try this case, your infringing the man’s Human Rights'.

In anger the judge banged down on his desk and knocked the head clean off his gavel
All of the courtroom looked on in awe and wondered how far it would travel
The whole prosecution bench ducked down as one as the gavel shot over their head
With a sickening thud and a large spurt of blood it killed the court Bailiff stone dead.

Grabbing the judge the constable cried 'M’laud all this is your fault
Don’t you know that your wig is on upside down'. Now I’m charging you with assault'.
They carted the Judge off and locked him in clink in his robe and his wig and his tights.
The prisoner was free but between you and me the judge had a few restless nights.

If sartorial elegance can be achieved with a wig that looks dapper and slick.
Be sure that your wig is not upside down or you may finish up in the nick.