Eswar Anandan

(07 August 1980 / Ernakulam)

Let me kiss you

She said, she wanted to kiss me
Next to me, so beautiful
I said, 'no, not now'
Travelling the road alone
The journey full of pits
I was tempted.. But I said no…

Let me kiss you
And embrace..
'No, not now'
My creation of plasma
Yellow, green and red
hard, and painful
I was tempted.. But I said no…

Let me kiss you
How long you run away…
'No, not now'
Looking at mirror..
I saw a stranger
I was tempted.. But I said no…

Let me kiss you
And show you peace…
'No, not now'
Memories came rushing
I wanted to live again
I was tempted.. But I said no…

Let me kiss you
And show you bliss..
All I could say is…

I was a baby again
Speaking language of love
Words aplenty, a thousand thoughts
All I could say is …

A single word so beautiful
A single word for all my thoughts
A single word for all my expressions…
All I could say is …

Let me kiss you
Its many years now
How far will you go on..
And I let her…

There I lay with her
so beautiful yet at peace
I CAN now CERtainly go
To where I belong…

Submitted: Thursday, September 12, 2013
Edited: Thursday, September 12, 2013

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Poet's Notes about The Poem

Thought Process
(Notes: The journey refers to the feelings that the patient undergoes, alone and lonely, uncertainty about future. I was tempted means I was tempted to commit suicide or say yes to Death, but I said no, meaning my will power)

(Notes: The side effects of chemo, Plasma refers to fluid like blood, Yellow, green, red means - Vomiting, dysentery, blood)

(Notes: Stranger: How a person changes physically... frail and sick.)

(Notes: Looking at old photographs and dear ones, memories of the happy days came rushing, but I cried, because it has changed.. and I feel like living all those memories again)

(Notes: All I could say is... Means I have lost my speaking vocabulary, This is the stage when the patient becomes disoriented. Cancer has affected brain, nerves or the chemicals proportion in the body - like sodium and potassium proportions)

(Notes: Explanation of the above. that I am having a thousand thoughts in my mind, but when I try to speak out, only one word comes out)

(Notes: Explanation of the above state, only one word comes out for each of my thoughts, whether to ask for food or whether to urinate)

(Notes: Cancer has finally won. The patient dies)

(Notes: At last I am lying down peacefully, have overcome the pains and sufferings ...)

This poem is a tribute to my mother... The stages are based on what I saw, and towards the end she was just saying a single word, 'Kalpagam', later it became 'Kalpam'... she tried hard to make us understand what she meant... to her she was talking sense, its just that we were not able to understand (the words I told to the doctor to make him understand the situation)
She was bed ridden because of a pathological fracture; she spent looking at the painting of a flower vase that I had kept in front of her bed...
The week she lost her speech, I exchanged the painting with that of a family photo (me and brother were kids in that) ... I wanted her to come back to her normal self, but I did not expect what I saw... she turned her head and I could see tears....

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