Little Lies (A Letter Of A Bitter Hate) Poem by Katerina Val

Thick fog
twirling among our legs
freezing our already numb feet
shards of glass stuck under our skin
and you, away, so far away
from me

The sense of losing all control
and rising sharpened yelling in the air
intriguing and irritating
where I hide me

Aren't you feeling irritated yet honey?
Can't you feel my anger?
I swear, it is not a pretentious rage
I swear, this time, I am not protecting you
this time
I am protecting me

Because if you cannot be saved
through your little disaster
then I can't breathe
that is at last me

through your little disaster
you will finally find me
in a narrow shattered hypotonic place where I can't breathe
that is already me

Pain's and despair's most hated company
trying to save you, constantly
trying so hard I am losing me
your pain and your passion truly hates me
I am the unheard voice you always hated, up, in within
You are still down
You won't find me in

Because standing up
Is the only way you can get through
the gasping of my breath

There is no light
no light my dear
there is only dark
and an edgy full of protrusions fear
The fog is too much to cover me up
up, in, within,
I need to disappear

The fog tries to reach me
to steal my breath
to clench my throat
and it still reassures itself though
that I am going to suffer till eternity
so I have to laugh
to laugh hard
till the moment of pain
till my laugh is too sharp
that it's hurting my stabbed back
oh, enough,
darling, that's enough…

Till I stand behind a wreck
Because when my hands are shaking
when my courage is breaking
when I am already really terrified,
trembling,
i keep saying:
“no honey, I am fine
I just cannot stand the cold of this rather hypotonic day”
the same second that my numb blue fingers can't stand the cold
I know my lie is growing more endless, more alone
I know the day is truly the night even if I moan
that the night can never fit in a sickened sun
even if it is dying
it is still the sun…
right?

And my cursed realization grows truly fast
when I am scared, I deny the dark
and I praise the cruel sun
the only foe that burns my heart
then, I know when it is time to grin
for what could be
for what will never be
for the lies may have set me free
but it is a wreck my honey
where I am trying to fit in
wreck your cold breath
when there is no soul within
only you
you
a total, absolute and painful absence of me

Because if you cannot be saved
In your little disaster
You will find me
Cold, frightened, aloof, alone
and so pleased

Pleased that the truth is so obvious
when the cold and the evil are so clear
I feel proud of me
For being so discreet
For tracking the truth from a distance where I can finally breathe
For I am so gentle
For I am so me

And the worst part
my selfless adored old love
is that realization
is what truly lacks from your sin
is what makes your sin
sound so endless
the frozen breath of your conscience
is what truly makes your sin
sound so non-existent
like you never ceded it the chance to be
to breathe
in me
like your demented tremendous truth
was tiniest than your sacred lie
from me the truth was all you tried to hide
for you never truly realized
because the absence of realization honey
was truly the cause of making your sin sound
less than nothing

Is what truly made you seem
As if you were frightened part trying to hide in

Because if you cannot be truly saved
through your worst part
you will find me
through yourself
I swear, darling,
you will find the worst of me.