Locks Of Love Poem by Medusa Waves

I almost killed myself today.
From the bridge where our locked love has embedded itself.
I stood erect before the sinning and tormenting I have done.
All the pain and suffering ive caused gnawed at the surface of my heart, and heaviness filled my body, where I saught no other solution but to do it.
Be done. Be gone.
Away and disentangled from the lies and secrets I have, myself, embellished in all my beautiful surface of perfect happiness.
Was I ever loved? -I asked myself.
Was I ever worth more than what I chose to be?
The choice to whether do it or not began not with me, but with all the ‘others’ in my life that I had cared so much for.
And the choice ended with me.
This was it, my grand finale-and it all seemed to be morally correct.
‘well her dad did reject her, he practically kicked her out’
They would say
‘the poor thing had no other way of feeling free and happy’
They would assume
Ahead of the bridge was the long, expanding highway of speeding cars-each holding a person inside, a life-a story-all different from one another.
Perhaps there would be a crash today, or an accident. Perhaps a dead possum in he night. All the things the highway carried. And directed. Had a set destiny as they speeded along to their destinations.
I looked down, the height of it made me feel light headed and vacant inside.
But on the other side of the bridge, that faced the direction in which the cars headed, was a carefully fenced bridge, that held a collection of locks.
One of which was ours.
'Locks of love'-me and my partner would say-all hung by the diamond shaped twining of the fence, each displaying two names. Some even added a date.
I looked to where ours hung, it was the only on a straight connecting wire- apart from the others. And the thought of her made me cry.
Not of sadness, not of loss, not of hate or pity or guilt…
But of love.
I imagined her voice there- her eyes looking into mine, with the same searching expression she carried.
What was she searching for?
I couldn’t be brave and end it all there and then.
The thought of her, and of my sister…held me down to the ground like deep rooted oaks.
I couldn’t move.
I looked at our lock where her name and mine were penned and remembered the happiness of that day.
I couldn’t move.
I remembered her eyes, her smile, and all the goodness she made me feel, that I never thought I could feel from a person before..
I couldn’t move.
I released the tension, in which came out in salty stinging drops down my face, and felt my body move again.
I remember breathing, and feeling her near me there. And the thought of seeing her again tomorrow made the pain in me seem bearable to keep going.
and I moved and walked away. hearing behind the diminishing sound of the quick cars and fast thoughts they each carried.
Perhaps another time.