~ Losing And Giving Up ~ Poem by Soulful One

There are things ive lost
and things ive given up
in the name of
truth and integrity
and living it
my own way
I've lost the sense of
home and community
that epitomizes
the Black community
and the oft calming
though narrow eye
of that hurricane known as
the Black church
and in that loss
ive given up
the fear
the obligation
the need
to pretend that the words
flowing from the pulpit and
the harsh condemning silences
have not torn
my precious heart
to shreds and
pierced my soul
so that
both love and compassion
have bled profusely
from my wounds
leaving my connection
to my people
slowing dying
outside the busted doors
of a glass closet

ive lost the desire to
judge myself
by a standard I did not create
nor agree to
or quiet my voice
that dares
question the status quo
or dares challenge
others to
think for themselves
before they spread
the condemnations and
twisted lovehate
of what 'Pastor said'
like the black plague
spreading like wild fire
in the most innocent of ways
devastating the souls
of millions
with the poison of
hellfire and brimstone
straining often shattering
the fragile tenuous
connections we hold with
the Divine
and ive given up
being lead about like
a mindless sheep
listening to the voice of a
Shepherd disguised wolf
seeking to devour
my spirit by
shrouding me in
robes of shame
and self hate

ive lost my innocence
and the naïveté
of the belief
that what I do
and how well I do it
surpasses the notion,
even the fact of
who shares my bed and
what we do there,
though how well we do it
is never brought to question,
and that whomever
I call spouse and
set up house with
will not be acknowledged
will not be sanctioned
by the powers that be
or even the mother
who birthed me
all because
ive given up
the need
the desire
without fear
of recriminations
to live under
the presumption of
heterosexuality
pining away
for the day when
my dark
knightprincekingwarrior
will come rescue me
from my aloneness,
which is really
my oneness with myself,
and bestow upon me
the patriarchal yoke of
wife and mother
of 2.5 offspring
breeding to perpetuate the race
via the sanctified vehicle
of marriage

in my losing and giving up
bonds and shackles
were among them
freeing my mind
liberating my soul
and urging my spirit free
to journey down
the road less traveled
intent not on
the destination
but wholly present
in the experience of
the journey itself
the discovery of
who I am and
how I am
connected to
Shewhocreatedme and
shewhosharesmysoul
releasing any and all regrets
of the past and
refusing to claim
the worries of tomorrow
in my losing and
giving up
I am freed to experience
the fullness of now
fully awake