Maria's Big Operation Poem by Herbert Nehrlich

She was so brave and went along
when Rolfie sang the morning song
'get up, get up, Maria dear
you have no reason now to fear,
Doc Shaky Fingers is respected
he learned way back when he dissected
those who were taken down the lift
cut by clean hands without the gift.

Not every patient can survive
but you will see, when we arrive
down at the hospital at six
they'll be prepared to do their tricks.
Your surgeon is....was that the phone?
down in the tool annex to hone
the blades that will cut in your flesh
the scalpel's edge must be quite fresh
he showed me too his little saw
you'd be, believe you me, in awe
some twentythousand revolutions
and only five electrocutions.

Once, so he said, the blade flew off
the patient still does have a cough,
this twenty years after the fact
most of his neck did stay intact
but it took out his ear which landed
inside the clean and freshly sanded
small cubicle where they keep stones
and bits and pieces and some bones.

And, dear, I'm curious, did you
read the small print on superglue
it's what they use these days to save
synthetic thread. Well, you are brave
and I, as you can surely tell
am calming you, you shall be well
within four days of the procedure
unless, of course there is a feature
that they had not anticipated
which then would mean as they have stated
in their pre-op pink document
which talks about a costly stent
and how the gang of those who cut
are innocent, it is YOUR butt
that will, if anyone should die
wave from the morgue its last good bye.

But, not to worry, they are skilled
and only few are truly killed
I, Rolfie slipped the man some cash
invited him to the Big Bash
which we shall have IF you come through
oops, what's the matter, you look blue
I'd best crank up the heat in here,
and, did you buy some midstrength beer
for me so that I can relax
while thinking how to beat the tax
I do appreciate of course
that you have cooked and stored the horse
that I will eat while you are ill
and thanks for numbering each pill
of all my vitamins, that's great
I'll wash each cup and every plate
and vacuum the house each day
while you, my darling are away.

What's that, me speeding, do not fret
I'd like to meet the cop who'd set
his mind to get some extra dough
from this emergency, oh NO
his lights are flashing, what a fruit
I'll tell him off, step on his boot.

Yes officer, we have indeed
a clear and overwhelming need
to get down to the surgeon's room
the other option is sheer doom.

See, honey, Rolfie says, he's kind
and not, as you had reckoned, blind,
so are you glad of this V-eight
we'd be in strife and also late,
and wouldn't stand a chance to keep
up with this escort, though the Jeep
of Doctor H. could do as well
my God this cop DOES drive like Hell.

So, Rolfie did deliver her
to Good Hands surgeon, le docteur
though he was Aussie, they're the best
then Rolfie pounded his bare chest
and said, well, gentlemen I see
that it is now and has to be,
so I am off, have fun Maria
dream in the land of Fantasia.

But be doubly assured that the risk is quite small
and the surgeon will keep both his eyes on the ball,
I can see that my efforts have settled your nerves
so be good and don't flirt with no hospital pervs!