Nur Meiyati

My Forever Secret

I was only fifteen when I had a boyfriend for the first time
He was three years older than me
I was not the only one at may age, in fact, who had a boyfriend
Although we knew well that there should never be such a relationship
As it is not allowed by my religion
At first we just chatted or sent short messages via our hand phones
Although we lived in the same town
Then we dared to meet
It was all the first time for us
To know that it was so nice being so close
Our heart was beating very fast
Oh, it was so sensational to touch each other
Never knew before that we could enjoy any parts of our body
Mine for him and his for me
A feeling that is indescribable
It was something between heavenly and fear
But, each part of the woman body is sacred, I was told
No one is allowed to see them except my face and my hands
All are only for husband within a sacred marriage
And what is called a fornication, or an adultery or a zina is a major sin
But, alas, we could not resist the magical magnetic desire for each other
And we did it
Then we regretted
I felt so so dirty and sinful
Madly I washed my body with soap of water
Not only once or twice
Many times, again and again
But I felt it was still dirty
I heard the God verse through my ears
'If the woman and the man guilty of adultery or fornication,
Flog each of them with a hundred stripes
Let not compassion move you in their case, in a matter prescribed by Allah.'
I heard the voice over and over

Things were not the same again since I committed it
People would look down on me
I was once told that guys or men know
Whether or not a girl is still virgin
But what I feared most was God
It was no use that I wore a hijab
I am hypocrite...munafik
I am not a sweet girl anymore
I am dirty, I am sinful, I am rubbish
I told myself
It was hard for me to hide myself from my feeling of guilty
For weeks I could not laugh, I could not sleep well, I could hardly eat
My teachers visited me and gave me a lot of advices
But they just did not know what had happened to me
My ustad preached me about sins and virtue deeds
But the preaching could not console me as he did not know what exactly was in my mind
He even made me more guilty
My parents were sad for me but they did not know either
It's good however that my parents are of simple minds
They just dropped their tears but did not cry or scream
When my body was brought to the graveyard
Just like all other people in my society
They accept birth, marriage, and death simply as a destiny
And forever my guilt would remain in shrouded secrecy

Submitted: Monday, September 02, 2013
Edited: Sunday, September 08, 2013

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Comments about this poem (My Forever Secret by Nur Meiyati )

  • Rookie Nur Meiyati (10/1/2013 1:04:00 AM)

    Comments from Facebook friends:

    Maricela Ramírez Muy triste
    September 7 at 6: 23am · Like

    Shahid Bhutto oh.... realistic thinking in every artistes voice
    September 7 at 6: 29am · Like (Report) Reply

  • Rookie Nur Meiyati (10/1/2013 1:02:00 AM)

    From Facebook friend:

    Maricela Ramírez Muy triste
    September 7 at 6: 23am · Like

    Nur Meiyati Maricela Ramírez: thank you for liking my poem and leaving a comment. You really read this.
    September 7 at 10: 43pm · Like · 1 (Report) Reply

  • Rookie Nur Meiyati (10/1/2013 12:49:00 AM)

    Some comments from Facebook:
    Anwer Sen Roy I have read two of your poems and felt a newness of feel, huge turmoil inside but calmness of tone and expression. Love to read more of your works. keep it up and stay blessed.
    September 9 at 10: 10pm · Like

    Nur Meiyati Anwar Anwer Sen Roy: Thank you so much, Sir. It's a great honour for me to receive your comment.
    September 9 at 10: 16pm · Like

    Anwer Sen Roy you are welcome dear. not you but your writing moved me.
    September 9 at 10: 18pm · Unlike · 1 (Report) Reply

  • Rookie Nur Meiyati (9/20/2013 8:42:00 AM)

    Mehta Hasmukh Amathalal : thank you for your suggestion, Sir. The story is about the girl and her secret and how she perceived religion teachings and the moral values of the society that embodied how she felt about something and life. In fact my poem is also about the adults: parents, teachers, and spiritual teachers. If they understood her mindset and feeling perhaps that day the teenager's soul could be saved. (Report) Reply

  • Rookie Nur Meiyati (9/20/2013 8:23:00 AM)

    @ Alicia Cooper: Thank you for reading and leaving a comment, ma'am. Nice. (Report) Reply

  • Gold Star - 30,038 Points Mehta Hasmukh Amathalal (9/19/2013 9:24:00 PM)

    And forever my guilt would remain in shrouded secrecy.. nice poem...10

    it could been ended
    in way very friendly
    something like marriage to same boy
    then poem could give more joy (Report) Reply

  • Rookie - 0 Points Alicia Cooper (9/19/2013 10:56:00 AM)

    You have described the experience of many of young woman, but with such feeling; it really touched me. Wonderful poem! (Report) Reply

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