My One Poem by Achieng' Ochieng'

Just wondering how I got here,
In a place where my heart bleeds daily,
Where my soul still searches for something it thought it already had
A place where comfort turned into extreme discomfort
Where every reason I had to smile has changed into the very reason I cry
A place where I thought your eyes spoke appreciation and love, to a place where those same eyes seem to speak disgust and hate
Where I felt needed and wanted to a place where my every presence seem to evoke displeasure

I just wonder, or perhaps I shouldn't….
Because maybe, just maybe, I saw it coming
When I thought I was loved it was only because I had asked first and the answer wasn't no
And when I thought I was comfortable it was because I was there at your perfect time
When I was smiling it was only because I had convinced my heart that deep down I made you happy
And when I thought I was appreciated, my every attempt to reach out seem to have been thrown back to my face
My heart refused to take notice, my one!

I must have fallen so in love that I gave it all a blind eye!
When I was kicked, slapped and told to disappear, literally and otherwise,
The after kiss and embrace made sure I buried the hurt
When I knocked at the door, was ignored not once, twice, but many times,
My faith in our love made the pain easy to bear
When each time I tried to converse was put to shame with silence or rudeness,
My hope in that love gave me the patience to hold on

But still, in laying all this down,
I wonder if I mattered to you even for a bit,
I wonder if every act of kindness was without meaning to you
If every word spoken was only filled with emptiness
If every beautiful gesture was without a promise
Was it like this from the start?
I wonder with pain

I wish you knew this, my one;
That I held on to everything with an expectant spirit
Ready to freely love you as I thought I received it
All this while I thought I was building a wonderful relationship
I must have been wrong for it seems I destroyed it
Though in silence, you have shouted your stand I know the deaf have heard
I only wish that one day, just one day,
Even if for a moment, you will stop and think about how
Broken I am.
For every day, and with everything I did, it was always out of love
It was always to let you know what you stood for in my life.
Watching you every single day, treat me as a total stranger,
Has crushed me, it has taken away all my energy, and almost got the best of me
But through it all I believe, I've been made stronger
I therefore bow out!
For what it's worth, you should know this, my one:
I am deeply sorry if I have caused you any heart ache and pain
I am deeply sorry if I fell short of your expectations
I am deeply sorry if by every attempt to know our destiny, I pushed you away
I am deeply sorry for not being able to know what to do when I felt frustrated by what I feel for you
I am truly, deeply, sorry

I want to be able to say, my one;
That I have forgiven you
For every tear I shed
For every night I spent sleepless
For every hurt I bore in my heart
For every day I was humiliated
For everything that went wrong
I want to say I forgive you.
And His Strength will allow me say that
Soon I Pray