My Reality Poem by Nur Meiyati

Lying on my bed in my boarding house
My head was full of a lot of thoughts
I was considering any possibilities that I could gain
No chances at all
Stucked

I tried many ways to forget you
Failed
How would I forget you
With our baby in my womb
I tried to make a lot of imaginary conversations so that I could change my perception about you
Or I could face the reality that you belonged to another woman, your legal wife

Ah, I understand now what you really means
You are just in love with me, not loving me
Or even perhaps I am nowhere in your heart and mind
You just need a companion in the far land
As your wife lately did not want to go with you
When you were placed in the third world countries
She's a city woman as you once mentioned it

Your job has been accomplished
I imagined you're telling me
Time for each of us to be back to reality
I will have to be back to my country
We are lucky that our affair has been safe
As someone who works for the government
I must be scrutinized
Must have no flaws
Everything is checked
That is how it is
Must be ready to sacrifice my personal life
Now you are not needed anymore

But how will I tell our daughter
If one day she asks (I hope she will be a girl) :
'Where is my father? '
Will I tell the truth that you are a married man
So you can't be with me, her mom
Or should I tell her that you die
In a crazy traffic accident
Or in a war
Or in an airplane crash
A very rare occasion
Oh no
That very thought frightened me
And it hurt

I continued to torture myself
With another and another conversation
Just to brainwash myself
That I didn't love you anymore
That my love for you had disappeared without trace
Now and then I inflicted anger to the imaginary conversations
It's crazy
But what could I do
That's the only way
To help me make a firm determination
To forget you
And live my life as before
Before you came to my life
My reality