Nervous Breakdown Naivety Poem by Clare McWilliams

Stripped to the very bare bones of my mind.
Hard Knocks casusing my heart to take flight
Flutter flutter- Sputter sputter.
Need for solitude
Need for peace..
Need for calm.
Breathless wonder at this weakness in me.

'Maybe it's a heart murmur', says the hypochondriac.

In one corner of my brain shelves
A book pops up that I once read.
'Panic Attack', was the phrase I had found within it.
And the realisation shocks me
To the very core of my being.
Me?

Confident..Charismatic..
Honest.. Strong.
Are words used to decribe the outer me
The one that everyone can see.
Mental..Mad..Looper..
Spring to mind also
And the paranoia..Due to high cortisol levels,
Sets in.

The Inner me watches the outer me
At work in society-
Playing a presentation of self to the masses.
It does not like what it sees..
Vehemence grown from pain so deep it cannot, Yet..
Become an open wound.


Darting eyes meeting no gazes,
Shaky hands hidden from a strangers view.
But not always-
Glimpses of the self will out.
Tricking the world with deception
Too genuine, too ingratiating, too fake.

Lonely soul behind the windows
That flick around the room-
For they have something to hide,
The dead person inside.
Grief and loss stole a piece of a not hungry stomach.
Important person passing merely a straw on a camels heavy back.

Loss of a loved one through
Cruelty and Malice-
Borne out of loneliness, adds to confusion.
A hatred of self-
A given when in the throes of this..
Misunderstood Malignancy.
Hatred of self has a knock on effect..
Neediness..
Neediness is a sure fire way to lose friends and not influence people.

Psychotic episodes further the minds slide into the filthy mire..
Of Convulsive tears..
Palpitations..
Shaky hands..
Unwashed bodies..
Bland food..
And a firm belief in the inherent laziness of oneself.

You're not ill- you just couldn't be bothered.
You're just lazy- why bother?
Tomorrow..
In a while..
Nervous Breakdown Naiveity.