Pain Of Today Poem by Ms Thang

Pain of Today

Maybe you don’t know what its like to feel broken,
Always frustrated with prayin and hopin',
All the pain would just go away.
So you can just make through the day.
Do you know how it feels to be afraid?
Of what you’re going to do or say?
Do you know what it’s like to want to be free?
From all the feelings and pain and just let it be?
Prayer after prayer, hour after hour
Day after day of shedding tears in the shower
“What’s wrong? ” “Oh nothing, I got soap in my eye”
So you won’t roll your eyes when you see me cry.
What do I do? Where do I go from here?
What do I do to let go of the fear?
Most days I combat it fairly well.
I’m able to convince myself
That I’m ok and I’m doing just fine.
But it’s the difficulty of sometimes.
That sometimes that tears apart
Every piece of my soul and all of my heart.
Why can’t someone just show me how
I can let go of the past and live in the now?
Its hard when the feelings I feel feel wrong.
So I don’t speak on them I just move on.
I go to work. Do my thang.
Pick up the kids get to the game.
But I swear sometimes my heart hurts so bad.
Why didn’t she love me? Who is my dad?
A curse I passed onto my kids
They suffer from some of the things that I did.
If you haven’t been in my shoes you can’t understand.
Why it’s so hard for me to trust that any man
Will love and accept me, Be kind and respect me.
I think “Why would he? How could he?
I mean after all we’re talking about me.
I make things hard in our relationship.
When he’s flying high I always manage to hit
And bust his bubble and bring him down.
Take him off the grown and remove his crown.
I mean really how can he not see?
All of the things that are wrong wit me?
Yeah he’s patient now, but give it some time
Before it’s too much and he loses his mind.
Too many fears too much drama
He could have got that from his baby momma”
I try and I try to make changes for us.
I try not to argue and try not to cuss.
I try to hold down home so he can relax.
But it really doesn’t matter when I start to act
Like I 'm mad at him for something he did,
But it’s not that at all I just had a fit.
I let go of some fear. I released it out loud,
Instead of thinkin it through before making a sound.
I know it sounds like I’m filled with pity
And that none of this is anything pretty.
But I do see hope. I see the light.
That’s why I continue to pray at night.
God shows me the truth and I see past the fear.
And I know in my heart that you’ll always be here.
I don’t want to feel the way I do.
And I sure don’t want take it out on you.
So honey from the depths of my soul,
I’m praying for God to restore me to whole.
So I don’t start the fights that make you feel bad.
Or continue the pointless arguments that we have.
So please be patient with me,
As I figure out how to be
The wife and mother I know y’all deserve
And live in today and not in the hurt.