Realization Poem by Claudia Krizay

You heard me screaming-
I could not hear
Your silent tears, and
You read my despair and
Hopelessness in the
Avid darkness
As you glanced, though
Cryptically into
My ebony eyes –
A soul wracked with pain, and
A heart sinking with
Concern and the
Love I could never see until
A few days before you passed-
It was only when you were dying that
I became aware of your profound love for me-
Trees stark against a lead hued sky, and
A mixture of sleet, snow and rain
Would fall from the dark and ominous clouds.
Fog descended over the
Buildings that surrounded ours- while
Cars skated down and up the
Highway outside-
People ambled aimlessly
Along the damp and filthy city sidewalks,
While days just passed slowly and quickly
Simultaneously-
As in a slow motion picture
You would exit the bathroom,
Towels hung in disarray on the towel bars and
Sheets on the bed lay rumpled,
Where none but a shadow of where you had slept remained-
Though only a few hours,
Interrupted by the pain, anguish and desolation
That was so obviously eminent behind
Your pallid face, from which
All expression and life had been erased –
Today I am still screaming though the sounds have been muted by
My efforts to conceal the
War that still wages inside my befuddled mind-
I once believed that you were my enemy and my
Reluctant caretaker until I read the letter
Inscribed on that scrap torn from that yellow legal pad-
Your pen spoke honestly and frankly of
Your love and devotion to me,
That I did not see- until that final moment when
The snow began to fall hard and the wind
Would rattle the storm windows,
That had never been cleaned-
Looking outside those windows now
I can still see the cars racing up and down the street,
People walking in a stupor
Perhaps wishing the winter would end-
And this is a winter that I would never forget-
Only because I finally realized that
You were the only mother I ever had and that
I was your one and only child-
You gave birth to me and
Gave me a beautiful name-
At this very moment
I love you as much as I have finally realized that
I was none but precious to you- although
Our lives together had been a nightmare.
Sleet, snow and freezing rain
Are rudely hitting the windowpanes and
I remember that day I lost my sanity,
It was also on a cold January day-
Hope was blinded by a snowstorm and
Tears were falling like sleet would
Hard upon the pavement-
I look up into the steel-hued sky and
Whisper none but a prayer and
Three words “I love you, ” and to myself,
“Can you hear me? ” and
I know the answer inside my breaking heart, as I
Walk away while
Darkness descends over the city on this bleak and dreary winter’s night…