Self Regret Poem by Brendan Whitman

at times I'm possessed by these feelings of self regret
blaming things on myself is something that I do best
I'm uncomfortably numb the sufferings unbearable
this pain and weight to much for words to express
my ignorance wont let it go, I lie in bed dripping wet with sweat
I thought twice about it and my heart was second guessed
the drugs can help me to forgive but nothing can help me to forget
because if I was honest with myself id admit I'm still depressed
the drinking is like a band that covers my heart, well what ever's left
I was good up until a year a go then it became apparent and I never slept
thinking about all these feeling that I have kept, that I had swept
because most I couldn't accept left on edge but never leap
I was never prepped just pushed off the cliff no watch your step
and I landed in this hole left cold even in summer see icy breathe
seems like i get pushed back twice as far after every single step
I look forward to dying because with it suffering ends with death
I live in agony, so much gets held back to much to be suppressed
even at my best still left a little less diluted by pills swallowed in excess
mixed with alcohol til' my liver cant digest, drink a few beers
wait till I'm at the peak then jump from its highest crest
my life thrown before my eyes, character fully assessed,
I came to in my bed wearing shoes still fully dressed
but even now that I'm awake I'm still left the same old mess,
only now with 2 empty bottles I'm being killed slowly by my loneliness