Speechless? In Prison May 2011- March 2012 Poem by Rachel Hubbard

I sit here still having mixed emotions. Feelings of fear, hope, hatred, and joy. My heart so filled with sorrow, emptiness, and darkness. Wondering why I have so much fear, worry, and curiosity? It seems as though I am growing weak emotionally. So sensitive I am supposed to grow stronger aren't I?
Yet I feel like my emotions are controlling me I am so affected by little words from little people that mean nothing to me.So hurt by stupid emotions that should not even exist. So worried about tomorrow I lose my focus on today when weill the torment not exist? when will I be able to wear a sincere smile on my face? proudly? When will I let my mind stop forcing me to be down? Why do I feel as if I am falling apart? I am trying so hard Yet feel like such a failure and a disappointment to myself. Am I trying too hard? My mind racing at 100mph my thoughts running into each other confused as of whether I should be scared or disappointed. my mind is so disfunctional right now I am not even sure what I am thinking about right now. Well feeling I should say! It feels negative though. I am not supposed to feel the things I do at age 23. I have let my emotions take control of my mind I feel trapped in a prison of myself. Trying to fight my way out. I want these feelings to fade away now that I am drug free and am not nor can be dependent on drugs to numb my pain I am forced to sit here doing my best to get through each day to hide the pain, without going insane. I have cried so many tears my eyes are dried.I no longer that crying does any justice. I don't want any one to know I am in pain. I wish I could find away to change my thoughts, emotions, and be 'normal' go through each day without worry, disappointment, and fear. Be truly proud of myself see myself as the world does. Live a life with faith, hope, and be a strong able-bodied woman. I have so much to offer this world it is as if I am so scared of failure that I hold back and don't even try or try too hard, too fast! I am tired of these feelings and guilt! I want the strength and motivation to be who I am supposed to be. I want controll of my life! Instead of my emotions controlling my every thought I want to be freed from this prison within. I want to let go of the pain, no more sorrow no more hiding, and no more fear! And I know ONE DAY THAT DAY WILLCOME! Untill then I'll live my life day by day knowing these feelings are something my addiction numbed and hid for so long and now in recovery I'm happy to feel them drug free