Suicide Watch Poem by Claudia Krizay

If I were to look out of this bedroom window,
It would be the only way I would know
Summer has arrived-
After the storm has abated
The leaves on the trees have never
Appeared as green, and
The asphalt paved path encircling our Japanese garden
Has been moistened by the rain-
The sun creeps out unobtrusively from behind the
Ascending cumulus clouds-
Rain has been the tears of naiads
Thunder could even be the messiah’s fury
Sky lightening has never seemed so bittersweet.
Your tears are so silent I can hear them screaming,
So copious they could have filled the fishpond, which adorned
The happy little park down the street, but in truth
They have filled this room with misery and despair,
You lie so still beneath the dusty rose colored sheets that cover you
I can almost envision you knocking at death’s door
I would weep if I could find the tears that I know
Are flooding my heart with fear and sadness,
I have never felt so alone as I do in this moment-
It is truly summer outside-
I hear children laughing as they play hopscotch on the sidewalk outside our home,
Our swimming pool would seem inviting, as would
Long walks in the woods behind the nearby churchyard –
But in all honesty I could never leave this room, even if I were allowed.
I know we both are crying inside.
Summer has always been my favorite season,
Though, every time I turn my head towards the window
A tear falls, and I ask myself
Why has god been so cruel to hurt someone I depend on and love so dearly?
You are my mother, and I have been assigned to be your keeper,
Just a child myself, I am-
We are all God’s children, but what has happened here
Could never be God’s work,
I have never thought of God as spiteful-
I am learning at an early age that life is unfair and for you
Not even worth living and here I sit like
A prisoner’s guard quiet as a wisp of a spring like breeze
Watching over you
As if you were my child and
I would be the concerned mother
Life has not been fair to either one of us.
Here I have been sitting on the blue-gray love seat –
A gift from grandmother when you and father were wed,
For nearly four hours now,
You have not moved.
Your ghost-like appearance I find terrifying,
If I didn’t’ know I would think you had departed t his world already, and
In a sense I suppose you have.
I wonder if our family will ever be a family again,
I would give you my own sight since God has robbed you of yours
If only to see you open you eyes or just to see you smile wanly at me
For one fleeting moment-
I can only think of the vial of pills sitting on the bathroom vanity,
Or the knife rudely resting upon the kitchen counter-
I was ordered to not let you near, but in all honesty
If you were to die
There would be no more summer storms,
And I wouldn’t hear the screaming in your silent tears again-
Life has been cruel to you, may God be punished himself
For this tragic mistake-
If you took your life mine would never be the same again-
A surge of anger overwhelms me now-
I should be riding my bike or swimming,
Feeding ducks in the park down the street,
Going shopping with my best friend-
Watching movies or enjoying a summer at camp-
Instead I have become an adult overnight, a parent and a nurse-
And in this moment I wish I could die with you.
This is a storm that shall never end, a summer
I shall remember, as I would recognize an infamous person-
God has forsaken this family,
Our lives will never be the same again,
I would sit and pray in church every single day if it would only bring you back to me
Heaven forbid, you would take your life while I left your side, I would be to blame.
The sun has come out from hiding now and you haven’t moved-
I think of the pills and the knife especially –I would take both of our lives
We are both good people and would go to heaven together-
We would be angels together and angels never suffer-
They just stand by God’s side looking beautiful
Gathering everybody’s tears and making them go away-and
Summer would once again be my favorite time of year…

Claudia Krizay