Surreal, Sleepy Tangles Poem by sammi ama

have you ever tried to remember
what your last thought is before you fall asleep?
i've heard people say
it's about your smile.

well, for me, every time
i recollect the winding words that spin the web inside my head,
the last thread to string everything together
is a wonder about whether i exist or not.

sometimes the atoms in my nerves
feel neutral and non-existent.
there's a small amount of certainty inside of me
being overwhelmed
by a cooing hum. when did
i become so comfortably numb?

every once in a while, i can feel
a shock of electricity
from a negative charge. maybe i am a selfish machine.

one that poisons its kiss so you'll
only think of me. it's so easy being mean.

my thoughts cannot be my own; i can barely
recall how i felt yesterday.
swear to you, i want to be real, but i am just
another imaginary variable

that can be accepted as an answer
because there is no real outcome
for the brain to understand. just like

the color pink: I am a bridge between
red and violet
since no real pigment is there.
just another filler for your lonely flowers.

i worry a lot that this is my last moment of life,
and i am just remembering everything, reliving.
a whole fraction of a second spread out thin
to feel like a lifetime.

my last thought before sleep
may not be
about your smile,

but more about what it stirs up when i feel it.