The Father I Never Had Poem by Allyson Gordon

You never understand me,
Or what I go through
I know you say you’re proud
Of everything I do

But everytime I talk to you
I feel as though
You listen to what I say
But you don’t want to know

You obviously can’t see
The pain I feel inside
I’ve felt it for some time now
A part of me has died

I’ve never been able to tell you
Straight to your face
That’s why I’m writing this poem
I hope it can replace

What I would have told you
How I really feel
Sometimes I stop and wonder
If it is really real

What I feel deep inside
A pain, an ache
I couldn’t bare it
I felt like I was going to break

To let it all out
I would listen to strong,
Emotional music
And repeat each song

When I listen to music
It would hurt real deep
Almost every night
I cry myself to sleep

I didn’t want you to leave
But I was too young to have a say
I know the things you said
The day you went away

You said you wouldn’t support us
The day you said goodbye
I know you probably meant financially
But you still made me cry

Maybe not then
Because I was too young
I just thought
You wouldn’t be gone for long

It didn’t hit me then
But when I grew
I started to understand
That’s when I knew

I knew that you had left
I didn’t know who was to blame
I still got to see you
But it wasn’t the same

All the memories I have
Of when you and mum were together
Are locked away somewhere
I can’t even remember

You’re such a different man now
You have a new family
Sometimes I feel as though
You’re trying to replace me

The years you had
Being a father to me
Now mean nothing to you
That much I can see

I’ve seen you with your new wife,
I’ve seen you watch your children grow
You know you’ve changed,
You won’t admit it though

I feel something inside me
Saying that I should forgive you
For all the pain you’ve caused me
For everything you do

In the end
I make up my mind
If I did forgive you
That would be kind

After everything I’ve endured
And I’ve never refused
This hurt that has built up
Has caused my heart to bruise

So you see I could not possibly
Forgive you in the end
For the scars you’ve left within me
No one can mend

Now so that you understand
Exactly what I go through
This constant pain I feel
Was created by you

Now that I have this illness
This syndrome I did not pick
I tell everyone the truth
You were the one that made me sick

So now I come
To my conclusion
The perfect father
Is just an illusion

In my mind
I never had a dad
But most of my friends
Throughout my life had

I don’t want you to change
In fact I don’t want you at all
I don’t care if you love me
Or not at all

To me it is not important
To me I don’t care
To not have a father
But it isn’t really fair

Because I have never had one
I feel I need a dad
Although it makes me angry
Although it makes me sad

You can not change
The way I feel about you
I just want you to understand
That’s all you need to do